A Human Minute
by TiffanyL
Summary: Simple one-shots from Edward's point of view during various parts of the Twilight Saga. Chapter 5-there are no words. Just enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

I was in Bella's room in less than a second, waiting for her to follow shortly

A simple one-shot from Edward's point of view, that first night in Bella's room after the day at the meadow.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, I just have fun with them from time to time! They all belong to Stephenie Meyer.

**A Human Minute**

"_My hands longing to touch you _

_But I can barely breathe _

_Starry eyes that make me melt _

_Right in front of me _

_Lost in this world _

_I get lost in your eyes _

_And when the lights go down _

_That is where I'll be found"_

_-"Lost", Anouk_

I was in Bella's room in less than a second, waiting for her to follow shortly. I entered into the darkness and did not bother to turn on the light—it was unnecessary for me; I can see perfectly without much light. I kept my footsteps silent as I crossed the small room. I did not worry about Charlie hearing me, but I took extra precautions for Bella's sake. Knowing her, she was downstairs trying her best to keep her heart rate in check while she attempted to carry on a normal conversation with her father.

I had no doubt she knew that I would be waiting for her—after all, I had told her that I come to her room every night to watch her sleep, and why should tonight be any different? This instance, however, felt new and different in an exhilarating way. She knew that I was here; she knew that I was always here, and she was surprisingly all right with it. Not just all right with it, I mentally corrected myself—she was actually happy about it. It was a far more interesting reaction than I could have dreamed of.

Her reactions unnerve me; thrill me. She surprises me every day, in ways that make my inability to read her thoughts maddening. This moment was no different, as I made my way to sit on her bed and wait for her to come to me. For all the times I had been here, I had certainly never been in such close proximity to her bed. It was softer than I thought it would be, more comfortable. I bounced softly on the mattress, evaluating its firmness before I shifted my legs onto it and reclined back into the pillows. I sighed deeply, comfortably placing my hands behind my head and noting that my feet extended beyond the mattress. Perfectly still, I kept waiting.

I allowed my thoughts to drift back over the course of the day, still shocked at the outcome. My decision to be selfish and take Bella for myself still haunted me, and yet her inexplicable pull to me made it difficult to rescind it. She wanted me, too. My initial fear and worry was that her proximity to me put her in constant danger, because her blood certainly sang to me more than any other I had come across in nearly a century. I was not sure I could trust myself around her, but today proved that I could get used to her irresistible scent—the same scent that radiated from her bed and her pillows, directly into my predatory nose. I had been around her all day, however, so I had become relatively used to it. The desensitization was comforting, but only just. No matter how much of my human instincts were coming back, I could not completely ignore my monstrous instincts without significant effort. My attempt at kissing her earlier had gone horribly awry amidst the immense pleasure I felt. Her warmth, her breath, and her tempting blush made her irresistible to me as a man, and I could not help myself. She deserves a real relationship, which should include the physical aspects. Though I was yet unsure of the degree of that physical relationship, I thought that I could at least give the most basic of moves a try. Before I even had time to enjoy myself, her instantaneous reaction forced me to back away to recompose myself. We would have to work on that, I mused.

Before I could delve into deeper thought, a piece of the conversation from the kitchen alerted my senses.

"None of the boys in town your type, eh?" There was interest laced in his question, but he sounded as if he was trying to keep a level head. My ears focused without strain on Bella's reply:

"No, none of the boys have caught my eye yet." Her heartbeat was palpable from where I lay, and I heard it skip a beat as she attempted to blithely pass over the word "boys." I smiled to myself, impressed by her choice of words. She clearly was not ready to inform Charlie about us—something else we would have to work on.

"I thought maybe that Mike Newton…you said he was friendly," Charlie suggested. I felt the surge of that unfamiliar emotion rage within me. Jealousy was completely new to me, and therefore I could not suppress it as I had trained myself with other emotions. I think what made it worse was that a guy like Mike Newton—stupid, boring, encroaching Mike Newton—would be so much better for Bella. So much safer. He could give her a life I was unable to—the life that I wish I could give her.

"See you in the morning, Dad," I heard Bella say. The conversation was over, I knew that soon she would be with me. I felt my smile return. My smile widened as she crept into the room, closing the door loudly and then dashing over to the window. She still hadn't noticed me as she threw the window open and leaned out, whispering my name.

I laughed softly. "Yes?"

She turned quickly, shocked, her hand went to her throat. I could hear her heart stop momentarily, then being beating again with a vengeance, sounding much like a hummingbird. "Oh!" she gasped, sliding slowly down the wall and to the floor. She looked adorable, and I could barely keep my laughter in check.

I apologized, and then allowed myself to sit, deliberately slow so as not to frighten her again. I reached over and picked her up easily, bringing her onto the bed next to me.

"Why don't you sit with me?" I couldn't resist softly touching her hand. "How's the heart?"

"You tell me," she retorted, amused. "I'm sure you hear it better than I do."

She was entirely correct, and I allowed myself a small chuckle. I then exhaled contentedly, sitting with her and listening to her heart slowly slow down to a normal pace. Just as I began to revel in her closeness, she suddenly turned to me.

"Can I have a minute to be human?" Her eyes were dancing, excited yet nervous.

"Certainly," I complied, accentuating my affirmation with a wave of my hand.

Her expression changed; her eyes narrowed and her voice became stern. "Stay," she all but demanded. Once again, I resisted from laughing, as she was obviously trying to take control of the situation.

"Yes, ma'am," I replied, and I exaggeratedly stiffened my muscles and stopped breathing—a feat that I knew she was probably unaware that I could perform. She appeared satisfied and gave me a small smile before she bounced off the bed, grabbing some pajamas off the floor and a bag from her desk. She slipped out the door quietly, closing it behind her. I then heard the bathroom door shut loudly.

A 'human minute.' I smiled to myself, also that moment to notice that I had smiled more that day than any other in recent memory. I assumed that meant a moment to take a shower and brush her teeth, and also to change for bed. One human instinct that had never left me was the instinct of propriety, and I definitely would allow Bella her privacy as far as changing clothes was concerned. Although, spending the night in a young girl's bedroom unbeknownst to her father surely fell into the inappropriate category, but I could afford to be selective when it came to our boundaries. Of course, I would let Bella take the initiative as far as our relationship was concerned; I was determined to remain a gentleman. Of course, her reaction to our kiss this afternoon may serve as an indication of Bella's boundaries, and at some point I realized I would have to clarify how and why we would need to be careful when it came to things like that. I shook my head, once again cursing my fate.

I was fine before Bella walked into my life. I had accepted my lot in life, and then she came and shifted everything. Once I realized that I had the ability to overcome the desire to kill her, I allowed the desire for _her_ to overcome _me_. I was just now beginning to see the many sacrifices that she would have to make in order to be with me—my brute strength, for example. I had to explain to her that just a simple touch could crush her….something that I was not to excited about admitting. I also realized that by being with her, I would have to come back into the human world that I had so long been separated from. The daily routines of humans that I had long since forgotten because I had no need for them: meals, showers, and the like.

My suspicions of her 'human minute' were confirmed as I heard the shower begin to run in the bathroom. I tried not to let my mind wander to places it should not as Bella took her shower. Unfortunately, however, being a vampire had no power over my ability to be a seventeen-year-old male. I had long since overcome my raging hormones stage, but that did not mean that the thought of Bella in the shower did nothing to my _other_ human instincts.

To distract myself, I got up and walked around Bella's room. It felt different this time, because she knew that I was here. In an odd way, I felt allowed to be here, and that was a liberating feeling. I wandered over to her desk, sifting through a small stack of CD's. I noticed several that we had in common. I was not surprised, however, because my line of intense questioning over the course of the past week had exposed me to many levels of Bella's personal tastes. I then meandered to her bookshelf, squatting down on my knees to the low shelves and examining the books that lined them. I saw many books that I had read, most of them classical literature. _The Portrait of Dorian Gray, Jane Eyre, Rebecca, Wuthering Heights_…all of which had creases in the binding, indicating their overuse. Bella obviously enjoyed reading the same books repeatedly, something that I did as well. Of course, when you have an eternity, you can afford to read stories enough to the point of memorization. I also noticed the entire works of Jane Austen, another author that I enjoyed—much to Jasper and Emmett's consternation. I always shrugged off their remarks, however. They could not appreciate romantic literature the way I could, because they have been with Alice and Rosalie for decades. While they had their real relationships, I had fictional ones to pass my time—fictional tutors that would, hopefully, give me an advantage in the entirely new situation I had found myself in.

I heard Bella running down the stairs, and realized that she would return soon. I immediately went back to the bed, repositioning myself in the exact place I sat when she had left. I heard Charlie respond, and then watched Bella come bounding back into the room. She assumed that I hadn't moved an inch, and smiled at me. I smiled back and took in the sight of her.

She stood before me in her pajamas and damp hair, looking just as beautiful as I had ever seen her. She looked comfortable and homey, completely at ease. I could smell her shampoo, the faint scent of strawberry, and I could also smell the cinnamon on her breath, presumably from her toothpaste. I raised my eyebrow and voiced my approval.

She apparently took my approval for sarcasm, and she made a sour face.

"No, it looks good on you," I insisted, eyeing her old t-shirt and sweatpants. She accepted this time with a quiet "Thanks."

She crossed the room to the bed, sitting next to me.

"What was all that for?" I questioned.

"Charlie thinks I'm sneaking out." I knew this, of course—I could hear Charlie's head formulating a plan to disconnect her battery cables so that she couldn't leave. However, I could not know Bella's thoughts on the matter, so I continued my questions.

"Oh. Why?"

"Apparently, I look a little overexcited," she replied. I saw a look of apprehension cross her face, and I could not help but lean forward to examine for myself. I lifted her chin gently, and looked her squarely in the eyes.

"You look very warm, actually," I agreed. I slowly brought my face to her, playing my cool cheek against her warm throat. I felt her stiffen—not out of fear, but out of respect to me. She knew that any sudden movements could provoke my sense of smell, as I had so rudely made her aware of earlier. I could not help but voice my appreciation—both of her polite response and of the warmth I could now feel—by letting out an audible sigh of contentment. I felt her heart quicken, her pulse moving faster in her throat.

"It seems to be…much easier for you, now, to be close to me," she observed. She caught on quickly, to my satisfaction. However, I could not help but continue my explorations, so I drew the conversation out.

"Does it seem that way to you?" I asked as I lightly brushed my face against her chin. I allowed my hand to travel up to her still-damp hair and softly push it back behind her shoulder, giving me better access to her neck. I tried not to focus on the irony of my attraction to her throat and slowly allowed my lips to find a place behind her ear.

"Much, much easier," she continued.

I felt that as long as I did not kiss her lips, perhaps she wouldn't react as strongly as she did this afternoon, so I kept a slow pace and shied away from her face. Not that I didn't enjoy her earlier reaction, but I did not want to bring any complications when they were not necessary. I did not want to, as they say, _kill the mood_.

"Hmm," I affirmed.

"So I was wondering," she began as I lightly explored her collarbone with my fingers, keeping my face gently at her soft, pulsing throat. This seemed to make her breath catch, and she paused before she could continue.

"Yes?" I goaded her.

"Why is that do you think?" Her voice trembled in the middle of her sentence, and a small suspicion that I was making her uncomfortable began to formulate somewhere in the back of my mind. I ignored it for the moment, unable to tear myself away. I chuckled at her question, feeling her heart accelerate yet again as my breath tickled her throat.

"Mind over matter," I told her truthfully. Suddenly she pulled away from me, apparently confirming my earlier suspicion. I berated myself, ashamed that I had let my actions go to far. I froze, giving her space and continuing to internally punish myself for making her uncomfortable. Once again, I wished I could hear her thoughts. I had to resort to asking.

"Did I do something wrong?"

"No—the opposite." I saw a blush quickly rise to her cheeks. "You're driving me crazy."

That was not the answer I was expecting, and I had to ponder each meaning of the phrase. Was I driving her crazy in a literal sense? She was losing her senses? Or was I irritating her?

Suddenly, my human instincts in regards to physical relationships took over, and I suddenly realized what she meant. I was driving her crazy in a _good_ way. I could not help but be pleased at my apparent knack for something that I had never experienced before.

"Really?" I asked, grinning stupidly and almost wickedly. I felt a satisfying sense of power—but power in a way I had never experienced it before. An enjoyable way that I knew could make Bella happy, could allow her to sense just how much I loved her.

"Would you like a round of applause?" she retorted playfully. Clearly, she recognized my power as well. I smiled again.

"I'm just pleasantly surprised," I explained, pushing down the slight embarrassment of my inexperience. "In the last hundred years or so, I never imagined anything like this. I didn't believe I would ever find someone I wanted to be with…in another way than my brothers and sisters. And then to find, even though it's all new to me, that I'm good at it…at being with you…" I let my voice trail off, knowing that she got the gist.

"You're good at everything," she clarified.

I did not necessarily agree with her, but I was not ready to give up that small sense of power just yet, so I simply shrugged as if what she said was true. We both laughed quietly.

"But how can it be so easy now?" she continued. "This afternoon…"

I flinched, once again recalling my reaction to her proximity in the meadow, and once again by her truck. "It's not _easy_," I conceded. "But this afternoon, I was still…undecided. I am sorry about that, it was unforgivable for me to behave so."

"Not unforgivable," she replied. I felt a wave of relief spread through me.

"Thank you. You see," I began, unable to look her in the eye while I made my confession. "I wasn't sure if I was strong enough…" I gently picked up one of her hands and placed it on my face to further emphasize my point. "And while there was still that possibility that I might be…overcome," I took a moment to inhale her scent, again by means of emphasis, and continued "I was…susceptible. Until I made up my mind that I was strong enough, that there was no possibility at all that I would…that I ever could…"

I felt myself begin to break down, and I found myself more vulnerable than I could ever recall being. Here I was, practically declaring myself to Bella, after only a short time of knowing her, after only being close to her for a few days. I could not make myself say the words—that it was a possibility that she could die at my hands.

"So there's no possibility now?" she asked hesitantly, tenderly. I once again found myself shocked at her complete acceptance of my monstrous tendencies.

"Mind over matter," I said again, smiling at her.

"Wow, that was easy," she said. I could not help myself, I threw my head back and laughed.

"Easy for _you_," I clarified, affectionately touching her nose with my finger. All she had to do was simply be herself, to exist, to make me fall so deeply in love with her that I could not dream of hurting her. Suddenly, I realized that I needed to make sure she still knew that I was dangerous, that I would always be somewhat dangerous.

"I'm trying," I said, and I could hear the strain in my voice. "If it gets to be…too much, I'm fairly sure I'll be able to leave." I knew that I would never want to leave, that I could stay here with her forever, but if I began to lose control, I hoped that I would be able to restrain myself and leave before I actually put her in any danger. She made a disappointed face, and I felt a sick satisfaction in realizing that she wanted me to stay as long as possible, too.

"And it will be harder tomorrow, I've had the scent of you in my head all day, and I've grown amazingly desensitized. If I'm away from you for any length of time, I'll have to start over again. Not quiet from scratch though, I think."

I felt a sense of satisfaction as I explained to her. I felt more at ease with her the more I revealed to her, which was precisely the opposite of how I expected to feel.

"Don't go away, then," she said.

"That suits me," I said, and I felt myself relax a bit after my short speech. "Bring on the shackles," I joked, "I'm your prisoner. However, I made a show of placing her arms in my power, quietly laughing.

"You seem more…optimistic than usual," she said. "I haven't seen you like this before."

Once again, I was surprised by her astute observations. I should become more used to that, I told myself.

"Isn't it supposed to be like this? The glory of first love, and all that. It's incredible isn't it, the difference between reading about something, seeing it in the pictures, and experiencing it?"

"Very different," she replied, nodding. "More forceful than I'd imagined."

No truer words had ever been spoken. Suddenly, I felt the gates break within me, and I began to tell her everything that had been rushing through my head the past few weeks. As we settled more comfortably on the bed, I took her in my arms. I told her about the new emotions she allowed me to experience, from love to jealousy. I told her about how I fell in love with her, and when I made my decision to stop ignoring her. I calmed her jealous tendencies when it came to Rosalie, ensuring her that I never felt like this about anyone before. She once again stunned me by saying that it was unfair that I had to wait nearly a century for her, while she got off easy and did not have to wait.

"You're right," I said. "I should make this harder for you, definitely." I took both of her hands in one of my own, and softly stroked her damp hair with my free hand. I reveled in her closeness for the thousandth time that day, and continued. "You only have to risk your life every second you spend with me, that's surely not much. You only have to turn your back on nature, on humanity…what's that worth?" There was teasing in my tone, but undeniable truth in my words.

"Very little—I don't feel deprived of anything."

"Not yet," I answered, knowing that there was still so much that she could never understand. Before I could go on, however, I heard Charlie's footsteps on the stairs. I heard his thoughts get closer, unsure of whether Bella would be in her room or not. I knew I had to disappear and I did so quickly, before Bella had time to react.

Before she realized I was gone, I was hidden. "Lie down!" I whispered harshly, and she caught on quickly. She turned over and curled up in what I recognized as her normal sleeping position, and began to breathe loudly. I rolled my eyes at her act. It wouldn't fool a child. I stood still as a statue until Charlie came in, saw Bella "asleep" (apparently, it could fool him), and left. After he closed the door behind him, I silently went back to the bed and resumed my comfortable position, putting my arms around Bella.

"You are a terrible actress," I whispered into her ear. "I'd say that career path is out for you."

"Darn it," she said quietly. I could hear her heart beating wildly next to my chest. I did not know if it was from the close call with Charlie, my proximity, or perhaps a mixture of both. To calm her, I began to hum a melody that had been stuck in my head for the past few days. Bella was unaware of my musical abilities, and for some reason I did not want to tell her yet…it hadn't really come up in conversation, anyway. Her presence had inspired me in a way that nothing else had, and a melody had invaded my senses and persisted, practically begging to be written. I had sat at the piano several times over the past week, putting the melody to elaborate chords and swift notes, embellishing it into a beautiful piece. I was rather proud of it, more so than any other compositions I had created over the years. I felt the need to at least expose her to the song that she had inspired.

"Should I sing you to sleep?" I asked.

"Right, like I could sleep with you here."

"You do it all the time," I noted.

"But I didn't _know_ you were here," she stated.

"So, if you don't want to sleep…"

"If I don't want to sleep…?" She trailed off, confused by my slightly suggestive tone. I laughed, once again relishing that small power I had over her.

"What do you want to do then?"

"I'm not sure," she admitted.

"Tell me when you decide," I said. I had all the time in the world. I took the opportunity to explore her yet again, and trailed my nose along her jaw, enjoying her delicious scent.

"I thought you were desensitized," she noted.

"Just because I'm resisting the wine doesn't mean I can't appreciate the bouquet," I said. "You have a very floral smell, like lavender…or freesia. It's mouthwatering," I admitted.

"Yeah, it's an off day when I don't get somebody telling me how edible I smell." Her joke relaxed me a bit, and I laughed.

"I've decided what I want to do. I want to hear more about you."

"Ask me anything," I allowed. I knew that it could go too far at any moment, but I longed for that satisfied feeling that I got whenever I let her in, whenever I opened up to her. She asked me about my lifestyle, my family's choice to refrain from hunting humans. She took in everything with a quiet acceptance, letting me explain as fully as I wanted. She then asked me about my ability to read minds, and I told her about Jasper and Alice's gifts as well. I told her more about my family. Throughout our conversation, I could not resist breathing in her scent, taking her in. I pressed my lips to her hair softly more than once. It was still a struggle, restraining myself, but it was indeed becoming easier. Suddenly I realized that I had stopped talking and she had not asked me anything else. I felt her muscles relaxing beneath my arms.

"Are you ready to sleep?" I asked. "Or do you have any more questions?"

"Only a million or two," she replied.

"We have tomorrow," I reminded her. "And the next day, and the next…" I placed my face near hers yet again, and I could feel her smile at the thought of all that lay ahead of us.

"Are you sure you won't vanish in the morning?" she asked hesitantly. "You are mythical, after all."

"I won't leave you," I told her, hoping she could sense my absolute sincerity. She seemed to.

"One more then, tonight…" she said, and I felt her body temperature rise. She was blushing for some reason, and her muscles were tenser.

"What is it?" The blockage of her thoughts was unbearable.

"No, forget it. I changed my mind."

Not acceptable, that would drive me insane. I decided to try the persuasive and affectionate angle.

"Bella, you can ask me anything." She remained silent. I groaned aloud.

"I keep thinking it will get less frustrating, not hearing your thoughts. But it just gets worse and _worse_."

"I'm glad you can't read my thoughts. It's bad enough that you eavesdrop on my sleep-talking."

New angle. More persuasive with a slightly pitiful tone. "Please?"

She shook her head. I was running out of angles. I resorted to a small threat. What on _earth_ could she be so afraid to ask me?

"If you don't tell me, I'll just assume it's something much worse than it is," I warned. Then I switched back to pitiful. "Please?"

"Well…" she began. I inwardly smiled at my imminent victory.

"Yes?" I persisted.

"You said that Rosalie and Emmett will get married soon…is that…marriage…the same as it is for humans?"

Realization dawned on me. _That's_ why she was afraid to ask me. This subject is slightly nerve-wracking for anyone, myself included. I could not keep my laughter hidden.

"Is _that_ what you're getting at?" I asked. She did not reply, she merely shifted her weight uncomfortably.

"Yes, I suppose it is much the same. I told you, most of the human desires are there, just hidden behind more powerful desires."

"Oh," she said meekly. I knew she could not possibly be asking as a way of figuring out our own relationship, it was much too soon for that, so I was not worried by her questioning. We would cross that bridge when we came to it.

"Was there a purpose behind your curiosity?" I questioned.

"Well, I did wonder…about you and me…someday…"

Apparently, we had come to that bridge. I felt myself stiffen automatically, and I knew that my words would pain her just as much as they pained me.

"I don't think that…that…would be possible for us," I said carefully, wishing with every word that it was not the truth.

"Because it would be too hard for you, if I were that…close?" she pressed.

"That's certainly a problem," I agreed. "But that's not what I was thinking of. It's just that you are so soft, so fragile. I have to mind my actions every moment that we're together so that I don't hurt you. I could kill you quite easily, Bella, simply by accident." I softly brought my hand to her cheek. "If I was too hasty…if for one second I wasn't paying enough attention, I could reach out, meaning to touch your face, and crush your skull by mistake. You don't realize how incredibly _breakable_ you are. I can never, never afford to lose any kind of control when I'm with you."

My painful confession was met by silence. This entire time, I had been so selfish in my enjoyment of the release I felt when I opened up to her—I did not stop to think about what she could be thinking. Any one thing could send her running for the hills. Could this speech be the straw that broke the camel's back? Could the impossibility of a natural and pleasuring physical relationship cause her to change her mind? Or was she simply terrified at the detailed description of my strength in comparison to her frailty?

"Are you scared?" I asked her quietly.

She waited a moment before simply answering "No. I'm fine." And from her heart rate, it seemed like she truly was. But something was nagging at me. She had brought up this subject much sooner than I was prepared for…was it because she was expecting that kind of relationship soon? Was she already experienced, and all of these innocent kisses and caresses were old news, just stepping stones to be skipped over?

"I'm curious now, though," I began, trying to keep my voice nonchalant. "Have _you_ ever…?"

I felt her blush immediately, alleviating my fears.

"Of course not. I told you I've never felt like this about anyone before, not even close."

"I know. It's just that I know other people's thoughts. I know love and lust don't always keep the same company."

"They do for me," she clarified. "Now, anyway, that they exist for me at all." I felt another twist of satisfaction when I heard her admit that part of her lusted for me. It made me feel less ashamed of my own lustful trains of thought.

"That's nice," I said finally. "We have that one thing in common, at least." I sighed, feeling the conversation coming to a close.

"Your human instincts…" she started to say. I waited patiently for her to continue. "Well, do you find me attractive, in _that_ way, at all?" If I had blood running through my veins, I surely would have blushed just as easily as she often did. But, as she had been so honest with me, and had taken the initiative to put herself in a vulnerable place, I decided to do the same. I laughed and once again tousled her hair.

"I may not be human, but I am a man," I said matter-of-factly. Suddenly I heard and felt her yawn.

"Ive answered your questions, now you should sleep," I told her.

"I'm not sure if I can."

"Do you want me to leave?" I said, unwillingly.

"No!" she exclaimed.

I laughed and pulled her closer to me, feeling her muscles relax. I began to hum her song yet again, softly in her ear as she fell asleep. I felt her completely fall at ease in my arms, and I felt another bit of satisfaction at her comfort with me—satisfaction alongside slight trepidation.

I still was unsure of what I was doing, of whether or not we were making a monumental mistake. But I had waited all my life and then some for a moment like this—moments that I never got to experience in my human life. As I watched her sleep, taking another "human minute" to do something that I did not need to do, I realized that I would take each day as it came. I swore to myself that I would never put her in danger; that I would never hurt her. I also took that moment to swear to myself that I would give her as many "human minutes" as she needed, as long as I got to experience them with her.


	2. Chapter 2

"You read my eyes just like your diary

A/N: I had intended for this to be a one-shot, but after the response I got, I couldn't help writing some more. I decided against doing another _Twilight_ one, because once _Midnight Sun_ comes out, I would feel completely inadequate in comparison ;-) So, I continued into _New Moon_. This takes place at the beginning of the book. I'll probably write one more from this section, Edward's point of view during chapter three, then one more chapter from one of my favorite scenes in _Eclipse_. Hope you enjoy! 

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, I just have fun with them from time to time!

"_You read my eyes just like your diary_

_Please remember_

_Well, I'm not a beggar, but what's more _

_If I hurt you, then I hate myself, _

_I don't want to hurt you…_

_Why do you chew your pain? _

_If you only knew how much I love you…"_

_ "Your Winter" _

_Sister Hazel_

"Death, that hath suck'd the honey of thy breath, hath had no power yet upon thy beauty: Thou art not conquer'd; beauty's ensign yet is crimson in thy lips and in thy cheeks…"

I let my recitation of Romeo's final scene trail off into silence at these lines. I looked next to me and I saw that Bella's eyes were brimming with tears, anticipating the tragic end of the star-crossed lovers. I smiled to myself as I took a moment to give her shoulder a soft squeeze. I heard her heart rate accelerate at the increased contact, and I watched a lovely blush spread across her cheeks as she acknowledged me out of the corner of her eye. Of the countless things I adored about Bella, her ability to blush, and my ability to make her do so, certainly land high on the list.

These were the moments when I could forget about danger, when I could forget about the constant war raging within myself. The afternoons spent in her living room, simply being together and enjoying each other, whether with animated banter or, like this afternoon, comfortable silence.

I had long since memorized the majority of Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, and therefore could afford to ignore the movie and focus solely on Bella's reactions for the entire afternoon. She knew the play well, too, but that did not make her immune to its poignant message of ill-fated love and unfortunate circumstance.

While I could revel in the simplicity of this afternoon, I also remembered that it was a special day for Bella—her eighteenth birthday. I felt a small twinge of sadness when I realized that she had reached an age that I never could—but the twinge passed as quickly as it came. I have had nearly a century to process my eternal age, and I would rather focus on Bella's happiness than dwell on my own fate.

A fate that she wishes for herself.

Before my mind could wander further, I noticde tears streaming down Bella's face—Juliet had wakened to find her husband dead beside her. I reached up and gingerly wiped away her tears with her hair, noting that I found myself envious of Romeo at this scene.

Bella, in the annoying way she does, thought I was commenting on Juliet's beauty. I could not hold back my snort as I clarified—I was not envious of the girl, rather the ease in which he took his own life. Her reaction to my statement opened up a steady stream of words I never meant to tell her—that is Bella's power over me. I could not resist her last year, and I could not today. I always tell her more than I should, letting her into a world in which she should be running from rather than running to.

I revealed to her the existence of the Volturi, and their ability to take away a vampire's life should he or she provoke them. With each sentence, I cursed myself inwardly for my indiscretion. As I told the story, I saw Bella's eyes widen with horror—once again, I had to keep my true emotions in check. Images of Bella laying on the wooden floor in the ballet studio, in a pool of her own blood…of her in the hospital, barely able to open her eyes after the ordeal that she went through…images race through my head at an alarming rate, caused my stomach to twist in a painful way that can only be construed as guilt.

I had every reason to think about the Volturi six months ago. I had wandered the earth without emotion for so long, and when I found Bella I knew that my existence would be changed forever. I quickly discovered that I couldn't live without her. During those fleeting hours when I thought I might lose her, my mind went to the only possible choice—if I lost her, then my existence would no longer mean anything, and therefore I would have no reason to go on.

Suddenly, a warmth that I could not produce on my own grabbed both sides of my face and brought me out of my thoughts and back to reality. Bella's brown eyes were pleading and desperate, and I could not make myself look away.

"You must never, never, never think of anything like that again! No matter what might ever happen to me, you are _not allowed_ to hurt yourself!"

"I'll never put you in danger again, so it's a moot point," I countered. I swore to myself for the thousandth time that I would keep my word. I had done enough damage to Bella's precious life in the past year, and I'd be damned if I let anyone so much as harm a hair on her head.

As I have done ever since I made the decision to be selfish and keep Bella for my own, I pushed the reality of danger to the back of my mind. Even though I may not put her in danger purposefully, my mere existence and her proximity to that existence automatically put her there. No matter how much I try to make excuses for myself, the constant struggle exists.

As we bantered back and forth, arguing our own reasons for refusing to live without each other, I heard Charlie's car down the street Just as I was about to explain again to Bella why I could not go on without her, I forced myself to pull away from her. It would not do for us to be in such close proximity when her father walked in. She seemed startled by my abrupt shift in posture, but quickly understood. I could not help but smile. As we heard the car pull to a stop in the driveway, Bella suddenly grabbed my hand, uneager to break physical contact with me.

I passed on Charlie's dinner invitation, and immediately began what I knew had the potential to turn into a battle—dragging Bella out of the house and to my family's house, where she would be forced to endure a party that she made perfectly clear was unwelcome.

I knew Bella's consternation for her birthday spawned from her reluctance to age while I could not, yet I also knew that this would not be the only birthday I would watch her celebrate, especially if I had my way. If all goes according to plan, Bella will never have to endure what I must endure—no matter how appealing she may think it is.

"Do you mind if I borrow Bella for the evening?" I asked as they finished their dinner. I saw Bella look to her father hopefully—for an excuse to get out of the party, no doubt. But I knew what Charlie was thinking and Bella did not. He wanted to watch the Mariners and the Sox play ball, and he said as much before throwing Bella her new camera, obviously forgetting her clumsiness. I reached out and caught it before it could hit the floor, and Charlie praised my quick reflexes. I shrugged, knowing all too well how speedy I could react, and handed the camera to Bella, agreeing that she should make use of it at the party.

Suddenly, the camera was in my face and Bella was snapping a picture of me.

"It works," she affirmed, before flashing an impish smile in my direction. I smiled back, happy that she was being agreeable, no matter how much she was dreading the party. After a few parting words with Charlie, I quickly ushered her out the door and to her beat up red truck. As I drove, I made another off-handed comment on how much she would like a sports car….and, as usual, she turned my idea down without a second thought.

"There's nothing wrong with my truck. And speaking of expensive nonessentials, if you know what's good for you, you didn't spend any money on birthday presents."

"Not a dime," I replied honestly.

"Good."

"Can you do me a favor?" I asked politely.

"That depends on what it is."

Always difficult, my Bella. I told her that the last real birthday celebration we had was decades ago, and to cut my family from slack. She seemed surprised at my request, but agreed to be on her best behavior, for which I was grateful. Unfortunately, I then had to break the news that the entire family would be there, including Rosalie—whom Bella knew was not her biggest fan. I then assured her that Rosalie would be on _her_ best behavior, and Bella appeared to be pacified for the time being.

"So, if you won't let me get you the Audi, isn't there anything that you'd like for your birthday?" I already had a present for her, but if she was going to be receptive of anything else, there was nothing I wouldn't give her.

"You know what I want," she said, her voice barely above a whisper.

Except that. I couldn't help but frown as I forcefully said "Not tonight, Bella. Please."

"Well, maybe Alice will give me what I want," she countered. I could not hold back my growl as I swore to her that this would not be her last birthday. When she complained like a child that it wasn't fair, I bit my tongue to keep from saying something I would regret.

As we pulled up to the house, I saw that Alice had gone above and beyond for this birthday party, and Bella moaned in disapproval. I wanted to warn her again to behave, but I did not feel like arguing again. I took a deep breath and calmly asked her to be a good port, and she agreed. I took her hand and led her to the door.

"I have a question," she began. I turned to her warily, worried about what the question may be. "If I develop this film, will you show up in the picture?"

Once again, she never ceases to surprise me. I barked out a loud laugh and walked her through the door. She was as gracious as she could be as my family ushered her in and began to shower her with much unwanted attention. She accepted the car stereo with good humor, calling out to thank Emmett, who had snuck out to install it before she could resist.

"Open mine and Edward's next," Alice squealed, unable to contain her excitement. Bella whirled on me, venom in her tone.

"You promised."

Before I could respond and defend myself, Emmett came back in to watch. "I didn't spend a dime," I told her. I could not keep myself from brushing a strand of hair behind her ear, and I smiled as she responded to my soft touch. She realized she could not argue, and asked Alice to hand her the package. She began to unwrap it slowly, prying under the edge of paper.

Simultaneously, I heard her mutter "Shoot," and the scent of fresh blood unleashed itself, permeating the entire room. She had given herself a paper cut, and the scenario of my worst nightmare began to unfold around me. Without even giving myself enough time to react to the strength of her blood's call to me, I leapt towards her, knocking over the table holding the cake and flatware in the process.

"NO!" I roared, seeing Jasper's eyes glow a dark crimson. I slammed myself into Bella, shielding her from Jasper's advance. I held him back as Emmett pried him off me. As I lay there, protecting the person I loved the most in this world, I realized that her scent was too much for me. I went against my instinct and stopped breathing. I suddenly noticed that in addition to the small paper cut, the broken glass from the shattered plates had sliced her arm from wrist to elbow. I turned away quickly, unable to watch every heart beat force more blood onto her pale skin. Once I knew that Jasper was restrained, I loosened my hold on her, slowly getting up to allow her to turn over. She looked dazed as she realized she had a new injury, and then looked up. I saw her eyes go wide with horror as we all forced ourselves to keep our monstrous instincts in check.

As Rosalie and Emmett took Jasper outside, I placed myself between Bella and the rest of my family. I would not let them near her when they were so clearly tempted. I vaguely heard Esme apologize to Bella, and then Carlisle told me to let him pass. Once I came back to my right mind, I knew that Carlisle was well in control of his instincts and I let him pass. Carlisle decided to take Bella to the kitchen so that he could stitch up her arm, and I picked her up without a thought in my head, carrying her from the horrific scene. My face stayed still as stone as I watched Carlisle prepare to clean Bella's open wound. I insisted that I could handle the blood, though I was barely in control of myself. I knew that my eyes betrayed my words; I knew that Bella could see how difficult it was for me to fight my thirst for her—the thirst that was much more intense for me than any other in the house.

Carlisle and Bella both practically ejected me from the room, asking me to go find Jasper. I did not want to leave Bella for an instant, but I also knew that I was not doing her any good, nor was I doing myself any good. I dashed out the door, loathing myself more than I had in my entire existence.

I did not go looking for Jasper; I knew that Emmett, Rosalie, and Alice could see to him. Instead, I ran out the back door and into the yard, letting out a low, guttural roar that shook the trees around me. This, I berated myself, _this_ was why I should not have gotten so involved. My horrible, stupid, selfish nature _knew_ that I was putting Bella in danger every single day she was around me. I knew that I could control my thirst, but only just. I could not speak for the rest of my family. I definitely could not speak for the rest of my kind. I _knew _this was a possibility, and yet I allowed myself to stay close to her. I could not help myself, I thought of only myself—I loved Bella, I wanted her, and I kept her. I kept her and she could have been killed right in front of me tonight.

I hated myself. I knew that she was going to be fine, but who's to say that it could happen again? What if she had simply been visiting and I had been out on a hunt somewhere? Her proximity, her comfort to my situation, my very existence, placed her in danger every minute. No matter how much I tried to stress that to her, she still stayed. For some unknowable reason, she loved me just as much as I loved her.

Somewhere, in the back of my mind, a small voice told me that I knew what I should do. But I could not bring myself to form the voice's words into coherent thought. I was still too selfish. I could never, ever leave her. It would destroy me, just as I am sure it would destroy her. We were destined to be together. Unfortunately, that destiny caused her pain; if I could help it, Bella should never have to feel an ounce of pain in her life.

Her _life_. Her precious life. She wanted to be just like me, a monster just like me…and she was willing to give up her life for that. To be with me for eternity. I could not lie to myself; I wanted her with me. Part of me wanted to change her myself, to make her mine. But a larger part knew that that was not possible. I could not, _would not_, change her. She deserved so much better than me; a life that I could never give her.

Before I could wallow any longer, I became aware that Bella's stitches were done. I made my way back into the house, overhearing Carlisle offer to take her home. I quickly composed my face, put my emotions in check, and sighed.

"I'll do that," I said, walking into the room.

"Carlisle can take me," Bella said, looking down at her shirt, which was caked in blood and icing. I felt my insides twist at her concern for me, her evident love for me. She recognized that the situation would upset me, would be hard for me, and she did not wish to make it any harder on me than necessary. Her selflessness distressed me even further. How could she be so incredibly understanding while I was so monstrous? It was hardly fair…

"I'm fine," I insisted hollowly. I knew that I had to keep her from sensing just how tormented I felt, which meant dispelling all emotion from my voice. "You'll need to change anyway. You'd give Charlie a heart attack the way you look. I'll have Alice get you something." I stepped out of the room, knowing that I was about to lose my careful composure. I walked outside, telling Alice that Bella needed a change of clothes before she went home, but Alice was already a step ahead. I saw Rosalie waiting for Jasper's return—he undoubtedly had run to go hunt with Emmett to satiate his thirst. Alice stood up as I approached and looked at me, sympathy etched across her delicate features. I felt her tiny hand touch my arm tenderly.

"_It's all right, Edward. Bella is fine. Please, stop torturing yourself…"_ she begged wordlessly.

I did not answer; I simply took a deep breath and placed my hand on her back, guiding her back through the kitchen door. I watched as she guided Bella up the stairs, and I waited in silence for them to return. I stood by the front door and watched them slowly descend the stairs, Bella's face pale with trepidation. I wished yet again that I could read her thoughts. Alice grabbed Bella's presents and I led her out the door without a word. I could hear trails of Carlisle's and Esme's concerned thoughts as we left.

"_I hope he's all right…."_

"_I don't like that look upon his face…I wonder what he is planning to do…He is always so hard on himself."_

I tuned them out as Bella and I rushed to the truck, both eager to leave the night behind us. I helped her into the car, noticing her shoving the bright red ribbon from the stereo under her seat as I climbed in. I sped down the road in silence, afraid of voicing my thoughts aloud.

"Say something," she pleaded softly.

"What do you want me to say?" I asked warily. I could not bring emotion into my voice, it would only expose me. I knew that if she confirmed that I was angry with myself, that I was disgusted with myself, she would berate me for it, and I did not want to argue with her. I did not have the energy for it.

"Tell me you forgive me."

I had to make a significant effort to keep from swerving. Me forgive _her_? There it was again, that awful selflessness. She was taking the blame on herself. She was blaming herself for something that could not be helped—for the call of her blood, for loving me, for making my life harder than necessary…but since I could not know exactly what she meant, I was reduced to asking yet again.

"Forgive _you_? For what?"

"If I'd been more careful, nothing would have happened."

"Bella, you have yourself a paper cut," I croaked out incredulously. "That hardly deserves the death penalty."

"It's still my fault."

There it was, that awful word: fault. Just as I feared, she believed it to be her fault when the fault clearly lay with me. Before I came into her life, she never had to worry about bloodthirsty vampires savoring her scent. Now that she was immersed in our world, she was taking the blame? Unacceptable. I could not stop the words from flowing out of my mouth, explaining to her just how wrong it was to blame herself. I mentioned that Mike Newton would be much better for her, much safer for her—a thought that had crossed my mind months before.

"I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton," she asserted. "I'd rather die than be with anyone but you." Once again, that was not what I wanted to hear. I did not want her to speak of her own death at all.

"Don't be melodramatic, please."

"Well then, don't you be ridiculous," she retorted. I kept my emotions hidden, unable to continue the conversation. Just as I had feared, everything was crumbling around me. There was no way we could keep this up. I could not put her in danger and then listen to her take the blame. I would go insane with guilt, and she could end up exactly as she wanted—dead without me or a monster like me.

She asked me if I was going to stay the night, and I hesitated. She wanted to comfort me, I could tell. She wanted to make things all right—I knew that my detached reactions were unnerving her. After a short banter about her birthday, I agreed to stay with her. Against my better judgment, I sighed and wished her one last happy birthday. I could not resist bending down to kiss her, and I let her hold my lips a bit longer than usual. Her kiss calmed me momentarily, and when I finally broke it, I was able to give her a relatively genuine smile before disappearing to her bedroom window.

As I waited for her to take her 'human minutes', I sat on the bed with her presents in tow. I picked up the present that Alice had helped me make for her: a CD of all of my compositions, beginning with her very own lullaby. I sighed sorrowfully; being left alone to my thoughts was proving to be dangerous. I knew that I should stop torturing myself as Alice begged, but I could not. I knew what I had to do…and if by some crazy miracle I had not already lost my soul, I knew that my decision would certainly rip it from me. Bella was my life, my soul. If I left her…I would leave a part of myself. Before I could begin to work through the mechanics of my decision, Bella appeared. She looked incredibly beautiful in her pajamas, and I could smell the cucumber from her face wash. As I looked at her, my eye traveled down her arm to the long strip of gauze that covered her stitches. I felt another internal twist of guilt.

"Hi," I said sadly.

"Hi," she replied, pushing her present out of my hand and cuddling up under my arm. "Can I open my presents now?"

"Where did the enthusiasm come from?" I mused. She had wanted to pretend her birthday did not exist all day long, and here she was begging for presents like any normal human.

"You made me curious," she answered. I could tell that she was overcompensating to lighten the mood. She was trying to distract me, and I was not sure it was going to work. However, I obliged and opened one of the gifts for her, wary of a repeat incident.

"Are you sure I can handle lifting the lid?" she said under her breath as I handed the box back to her. I saw her eyes rake over the plane tickets, and I saw them light up with understanding.

"We're going to Jacksonville?"

"That's the idea," I replied. I smiled despite my mood; she looked genuinely excited.

"I can't believe it. Renee is going to flip! You don't mind though, do you? It's sunny, you'll have to stay inside all day." Once again, always thinking of me. I surely do not deserve her.

"I think I can handle it," I replied, then frowned. "If I'd had any idea that you could respond to a gift this appropriately, I would have made you open it in front of Carlisle and Esme. I thought you'd complain."

"Well, of course it's too much," she conceded. "But I get to take you with me!"

I could not stop my soft laughter. "Now I wish I'd spent money on your present. I didn't realize that you were capable of being reasonable."

I saw her reach for the next gift and I took it from her, opening it again. I handed the CD back to her and waited for her reaction.

"What is it?" she asked.

I took it back from her and placed it in the stereo, pressing play. I waited again. As the soft melody that she inspired began to fill the room, I saw her eyes well up with tears. I immediately jumped to the worst scenario.

"Does your arm hurt?" I asked.

"No, it's not my arm," she replied. "It's beautiful, Edward. You couldn't have given me anything I would love more. I can't believe it." She stopped talking then, and continued to listen to the music.

"I didn't think you would let me get a piano so I could play for you here," I stated. It was the truth.

"You're right," she agreed.

"How does your arm feel?"

"Just fine," she said, but I saw a small wince of pain cross her features. She could not fool me.

"I'll get you some Tylenol." Despite her protests, I pushed her softly off me and rushed down the stairs, assuring her that I would not get caught. After getting two pills and some water, I flashed back into her room. She took the pills without complaint, and we sat in silence for a few more moments.

"It's late," I said, noticing the clock. I blithely picked her up from the bed and arranged the pillows and sheets for her. After tucking her into her quilt, I lay down next to her and wrapped my arm around her.

I did not know how much longer I could go before I took action, and I decided then and there that if this was our last night together, I would make it worth it.

"Thanks again," she whispered to me.

"You're welcome," I said simply. Once again, she had no reason to thank me, no reason to love me, and yet she did. We lay in silence, and I began to brood about my options.

What we were doing felt so right, and yet, simultaneously, it was completely wrong. I could not keep doing this to her, and I knew it. I had ignored it for nearly a year, but I couldn't any longer. However, making that decision final was incredibly difficult because she felt so _right_ in my arms. Her love for me was _wrong_; I had always known that it was wrong—but I had given up that argument last winter. I could not give that up now that I had seen what danger could come of our relationship. It was bad enough when James nearly killed her last spring. It was even worse now because it was a member of my own family that had lost control….I did not want to leave her, but I did not want to put her in danger any longer. I had been far too concerned with my own wants and needs over the past year. It was time to put her safety first—truly, truly first.

"What are you thinking about?" she questioned.

"I was thinking about right and wrong, actually," I stated hesitantly.

"Remember how I decided that I wanted you to not ignore my birthday?" she asked, her words coming out in a rush. I could tell that she was trying to get my mind off things. I wondered if she knew the direction my thoughts were taking me.

"Yes," I said softly, warily.

"Well, I was thinking, since it's still my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again."

I smiled in spite of myself yet again. "You're greedy tonight."

"Yes, I am—but please, don't do anything you don't want to do."

I laughed and then gave in. "Heaven forbid that I should do anything I don't want to do," I said, nearly suffocating in the implication and double-entendre. I placed my hand under her chin and complied with her request.

I felt her heart jump beneath me, still reacting as strongly to my touch as ever. She certainly would not make this easy on me. Here I was, debating how I could make myself leave her, separate myself from her to keep her safe, and here she was—just as in love with me as ever. While I was as much in love with her as ever, as well. The pain was tangible in my chest as I realized that I did not know if I would ever be like this with her again. I did not know if I would ever kiss her again.

With that thought, I made the decision that this would be our last kiss. I could not do this quickly, I would have to work up to it, and that would mean slowly taking steps back from Bella over the next few days. Arrangements would have to be made to relocate the entire family. It would be better for her if the entire Cullen family disappeared. I would have to convince her that it was better for her if I left, if I never existed. It would be incredibly difficult to make her believe that it was for the best, and I would resort to telling her I did not love her if it came down to it. That thought sent another ripple of pain through me. It would be the most painful lie I would ever tell.

As these thoughts ran through my head at lightning speed, I decided that I should make this last kiss worth it. I would have to remember it for eternity, so I knew that I would have to make it memorable. I felt myself pull closer to her, twisting my fingers into her hair and holding her lips to mine desperately. I could not imagine letting her go, but I knew it was the right thing to do…it was the only thing to do. Bella's heart skipped a beat as my reactions took her by surprise, but she quickly became attuned to me and she kissed me back with just as much passion. When I finally broke the kiss and pulled my lips away from hers, I thought I could feel a tangible rip within my still heart.

I paused to catch my breath, apologizing for my actions. "Sorry. That was out of line."

"I don't mind," she replied, also trying to regain her composure. I could still hear her heart dancing wildly.

"Try to sleep, Bella," I said sternly.

"No, I want you to kiss me again." I almost obliged, but then remembered my decision. I stopped myself, painfully realizing that I would never kiss her lips again. It was all a memory now. I would have to accept that.

"You're overestimating my self-control," I said, supplying an excuse.

"Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?" she asked.

"It's a tie," I answered, hoping that she could not hear the emotion in my voice. I flashed her another smile before turning serious once more. "Now, why don't you stop pushing your luck and go to sleep?"

"Fine," she finally agreed, settling in closer to me. I felt her muscles relax beneath me, and I also noticed her injured arm pressing against my shoulder. Whether or not it was there on purpose, I could not know. I did not know what she was thinking, and for once I was glad not to. If I could hear them, I knew that my resolve would crumble. I knew that she was probably replaying the day in her head, but I also knew that the last ten minutes spent with me would be freshest—she was thinking about me happily and peacefully, her thoughts full of love and devotion. If I had to hear them, I would never be able to do what I knew I must do.

For her own safety, I would have to leave her. As much as it would hurt us both, I knew that it was the only thing to do. Now all that remained was how I could bring myself to do it. As she slept, oblivious in my cold arms, I knew that I would hurt her. But after I hurt her this last time, I would never allow myself to bring her pain again.


	3. Chapter 3

"What can I do

Disclaimer: Once again, I don't own any of the characters; I'm just having fun with them! (Maybe a little _too_ much fun with Edward…)

Author's Note: So, I know I promised one more from New Moon, and I'll do that one, I really will—but this was screaming to be written, I couldn't help myself. So, the chapters won't exactly be chronological, sorry! Also, this one is really long, but it's an immensely pivotal scene, so I couldn't really condense any dialogue…Edward deserved to get as much of his say as possible!

Thanks SO much for the reviews, but it's always nice to get more (hint, hint); And a HUGE thanks to A. Lincoln for the shoutout—everyone go read and review her amazing story, "Family Bonding"!

_It's you to me_

_Your gentle face_

_Overdue, worth the wait…_

_Everyone's back_

_Hearts at war_

_With all the plans I had before_

_And I'm losing my grip_

_But I'd lose it all for you…_

"_Already In", Jon McLaughlin_

"What can I do?" I pleaded with Bella, unable to stand the sight of her shaking uncontrollably in the small tent. The wind howled around us once again as she just shook her head. I had been trying to convince her to make a run for it, terrified that she wouldn't survive the night in the freezing cold, but she refused every time.

Outside, I heard Jacob Black make an unhappy noise. _She's probably freezing_… he thought miserably.

"G-g-g-get out of h-h-h-ere," Bella stammered, her teeth chattering. I wished she wouldn't try to talk—she could accidentally bite off the tip of her tongue.

"He's just worried about you," I assured her. "He's fine. _His_ body is equipped to deal with this." The dull pain that I had grown accustomed to over the past months throbbed slightly as I calmed her fears about Jacob's well-being.

I deserved this torture to an extent, that much I knew. The torture of having to share Bella with someone else was deserved after I made the mistake of leaving her. Jacob helped her heal through those miserable months, and for that, I would be eternally grateful. However, seeing Bella's eyes light up whenever he called, or seeing her eyes cloud over whenever she thought of him, certainly caused a fair amount of grief. Though sharp at first, the pain was now a dull throb, pulsing almost as constantly as if I had a heartbeat.

She tried to speak again, but was unsuccessful. Jacob made another pained whining sound.

_You could _**do**_ something, you know…you're supposed to be the perfect boyfriend, remember? Taking care of her every need? And there she sits, right in front of you, freezing to death._

"What do you want me to do?" I demanded angrily. I was tired of being polite. "Carry her through that? I don't see you making yourself useful. Why don't you go fetch a space heater or something?" If the dog thought he could do better, I would love to see him try. Suddenly, I heard him howl loudly from outside.

"That was hardly necessary." I reprimanded him.

_A space heater? I'll show you a space heater...how about I just come in there and keep her warm myself?! I have a coat out here, plus having some body heat in the tent… it would certainly help keep her alive—although, it's not news to me that you want her practically dead pretty soon, anyway… _

"And that's the worst idea I've ever heard," I intoned, making sure he heard me.

"Better than anything you've come up with," Jacob said aloud. He had changed back into a human. "_Go fetch a space heater_…I'm not a St. Bernard." His grumbling did not stop there, and I could hear his complaints bounce around his head as he made his way into the tent. The putrid smell of werewolf permeated the small, compact space quickly. I kept my face composed, but made certain he knew what I was thinking.

"I don't like this. Just give her the coat and get out." His head was beginning to formulate an idea that I had no desire to allow him to act out. My attention suddenly turned to Bella, her face confused and blue. She was trying, unsuccessfully, to ask what was going on, I'm sure.

"The parka's for tomorrow," Jacob clarified. "She's too cold to warm it up by herself. It's frozen. You said she needed a space heater, and here I am." I inhaled sharply as his idea came to the forefront of his mind, quick images flashing through his brain that involved him lying next to Bella in her sleeping bag.

"J-J-J-J-Jake, you'll f-f-f-freez-z-z-ze," Bella complained. Once again, the dull throb.

"Not me," he said brightly. "I run at a toast one-oh-eight point nine these days. I'll have you sweating in no time." I did not miss the secondary meaning to his sentence, and I growled my displeasure. Jacob ignored my snarl, but I would not let him ignore me. I clasped his shoulder with one hand, to make sure he got one thing clear. I felt him tense beneath my cold hand.

"Get your hand off me," he growled at me.

"Keep your hands off of her," I said, slowly and deliberately. If he stepped one toe out of line, I didn't think I could stop myself from hurting him. Something that, though it would please me would ultimately harm Bella. I had already broken the promise to keep Bella from harm enough times, and I certainly did not desire to break it again with my own actions.

"D-d-d-don't f-f-f-f-fight," she begged, and once again, I pushed aside my hatred as my devotion to Bella won out. I wished with my entire being that I could help her…help her the way that I knew Jacob Black would be able to.

"I'm sure she'll thank you for this when her toes turn black and drop off," Jacob warned me. Begrudgingly, I knew that this was the only way to warm Bella, so I let my hand drop from his shoulder.

"Watch yourself," I threatened, hoping the venom from my teeth flowed into my words.

As Bella became aware of what was taking place, she attempted to voice her protests. I felt a twinge of happiness that she did not seem thrilled at the prospect of having the dog so close to her. But as he slipped into the sleeping bag, her body's survival instincts took over, gravitating towards the heat.

_This will be perfect. I can't wait to see how the bloodsucker handles this. _I couldn't help but listen to his thoughts as he settled in next to Bella, much to close for my comfort.

"Jeez, you're freezing, Bella," he noted unnecessarily. She apologized as he tried to get her to relax.

"You'll be warm in a minute. Of course, you'd warm up faster if you took your clothes off."

I growled at the unnecessary cut, already tormented enough. I was allowing him to do this only for Bella's warmth, not so he could play out his silly schoolboy fantasies with the love of my life right in front of me.

"That's just a simple fact," he said curtly. "Survival one-oh-one."

"C-c-cut it out, Jake," Bella snapped at him. "N-n-n-nobody really n-n-n-needs all ten t-t-t-toes." Once again, I felt a small consolation at Bella's discomfort. Now I had only to hope that she would warm quickly—I, personally, wanted her to keep all ten toes.

"Don't worry about the bloodsucker," Jacob said smugly. "He's just jealous."

_Exactly. You know I'm right._

"Of course I am," I admitted smoothly. I was not about to let his provocations go unanswered. But I also wanted to conceal the fact that his current actions were wreaking havoc on my heart. It was almost too painful to watch. "You don't have the faintest idea how much I wish I could do what you're doing for her, mongrel."

"Those are the breaks," Jacob said, a smile still evident in his voice. But then his tone changed abruptly. "At least you know she wishes it was you."

"True," I said, knowing that it was. With the exception of the small percentage of my brain that merely hoped that it was.

_All right, let's get the blood flowing here. That's right, Bells, deep breaths. Good God, she's freezing. _These thoughts did not bother me quite as much—but his arms rubbing circles around her back and up and down her arms did. I had to keep reminding myself that he was helping her, all the while, trying not to remember that he was helping her in a way that I never could.

"There," Jacob said aloud as Bella's shuddering finally began to slow. I could hear her heart, which had been beating frighteningly slowly for the past few hours, become a relatively normal pace once again. "Feeling better?"

"Yes," she said softly.

"Your lips are still blue," he said. "Want me to warm those up for you, too? You only have to ask."

I could not hold back a sigh at his rude immaturity. Honestly, did he think these comments were going to get him anywhere with her?

"Behave yourself," Bella reprimanded, much to my delight. I saw her kick her shoes off, then saw her feet move in the sleeping bag against Jacob's legs. He then leaned over and placed his cheek to her ear, keeping that warm as well. It pained me again, knowing that I lay with Bella much the same way every night. However, I have to keep a quilt wrapped around her, separating our bodies so that she won't get chilled--and watching Jacob break that barrier caused me literal pain.

I focused on Bella's thawing out; tuning out Jacob's insidious thoughts much like I did with the students throughout the school day. After several minutes of silence, Bella spoke.

"Jake? Can I ask you something? I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything, I'm honestly curious." I felt my muscles tense, wondering what her question could be.

"Sure," he said, laughing as if her phrasing brought back some memory from weeks past. With a moment's study, I realized that he had asked her the very same thing once.

"Why are you so much furrier than your friends? You don't have to answer if I'm being rude."

"Because my hair is longer," he replied, the smile evident in his voice. I saw him shake his hair in her face, and wrinkled my nose as the movement evoked the horrible smell that had settled in the tent.

"Oh," she answered simply. "Then why don't you cut it? Do you like to be shaggy?" An innocent question on Bella's part, but an interesting thought process on Jacob's.

_It's longer because I thought you liked it longer…I wanted you to think I was more attractive…No, no, I can't say that out loud…_

I couldn't hold back a small laugh at my invasion of his thoughts. Utterly ridiculous, the lengths this boy would go…

"Sorry," Bella apologized sleepily, mistaking Jacob's hesitation for irritation. "I didn't mean to pry. You don't have to tell me." He grunted in response.

"Oh, he'll tell you anyway, so I might as well…I was growing my hair out because…it seemed like you liked it better long."

"Oh," she replied lamely, and I could feel the awkwardness begin to fill the tent. "I, er, like it both ways, Jake. You don't need to be inconvenienced."

"Turns out it was very convenient tonight, so don't worry about it," he replied casually. I tuned him out again, watching as Bella's exhaustion finally caught up with her. She began to fall asleep, but I knew from her heartbeat that she was still awake. It was too erratic.

"Seth is here," I noted.

"Perfect. Now you can keep an eye on everything else, while I take care of your girlfriend for you."

Once again, an immature and unnecessary thing to say. His juvenile attempts to anger me were beginning to do just that—and that in itself made me angrier. I did not want the likes of Jacob Black to get to me, and I had the power to fight back if necessary. I had warned him before.

"Stop it," Bella whimpered. I was reminded that she did not wish for us to fight. I told myself to make a significant effort to remain civil with Jacob for the duration of this uncomfortable—unbearable—situation. After several minutes of silence, Bella's breathing became more even, and her heart rate slowed to a normal pace. She seemed to be asleep. Suddenly, Jacob's thoughts came searing into my head; I could not ignore them even if I wanted to.

_Wouldn't it be nice if every night could be like this? Bella, in my arms, sleeping contentedly. Her heartbeat pulsing in time with my own…one day, laying like this together in a much different way, our bodies finally coming together as one. I could get her blood pumping in a way that the leech never could. Her underneath me, her crying out my name in pure—_

Enough.

"_Please_!" I hissed, venom in my voice once more, cutting off his lewd train of thought. "Do you _mind_?"

"What?" Jacob demanded.

"Do you think you could _attempt_ to control your thoughts?" I raged quietly, so as not to wake Bella. If this is what the night had in store, I doubted I could keep my promise to Bella—I would have to murder Jacob Black.

"No one said you had to listen," Jacob said. His embarrassment was palpable, mingling with his defiance. "Get out of my head."

"I wish I _could_. You have no idea how loud your little fantasies are. It's like you're shouting them at me."

"I'll try to keep it down," he replied rudely, with no intent of heeding my warning.

_You're just jealous that you could never be with her like that without stressing out about breaking her into pieces._

"Yes," I replied aloud, my voice barely above a whisper. It pained me to admit anything to Jacob, but I could not stop myself. "I'm jealous of that, too."

"I figured it was like that," he replied, smug victory laced through his words. "Sort of evens the playing field up a little, doesn't it?" _You can love her eternally, give her anything money can buy, kiss her without having to ask permission, spend every waking moment with her…but I can make love to her in the way that it was meant to be done—uncontrollably, passionately…_

I laughed. If sex was all he could use as leverage against me, then he had a lot to learn about a fulfilling relationship. "In your dreams."

"You know, she could still change her mind," he taunted me. "Considering all the things I could do with her that you can't. At least, not without killing her, that is."

"Go to sleep, Jacob," I said softly, evenly. "You're starting to get on my nerves."

"I think I will. I'm really very comfortable."

More immaturity. It made me want to wring his neck, but I restrained myself for what seemed like the thousandth time that night. Suddenly, Jacob's mind was full of questions. Apparently, the cocky little boy as not as sure of himself as he pretended to be.

_What does Bella see in him? Is he really so much better than me? Why on earth would he try to be all noble and skip out on the fight tomorrow? What's his motivation? And what is she feeling so guilty about? How much does he hate that he can hear my thoughts? Does he wish he could hear Bella's as well? I wonder how much he really hates me—or if he even really feels threatened by me. I could ask him, but I bet he would never give me a straight answer._

Suddenly, I lost all of the energy to fight. "Maybe I would," I replied to his latest thought. If we were going to be here all night, might as well find a way to pass the time—and maybe I could convince him (not that he deserved to it, regardless) of the depth of my love for Bella. I had to remind myself that he was there for her through the darkest point in her life—darkness that I myself had inflicted upon her. No wonder he did not care for me much.

"But would you be honest?"

"You can always ask and see," I answered, already knowing all of the questions he was thinking of asking me.

"Well, you see inside my head—let me see inside yours tonight, it's only fair."

"Your head is full of questions," I noted, reminding him that in fact, I had been seeing inside his head. "Which one do you want me to answer?"

"The jealousy…" he chose. "It has to be eating at you. You can't be as sure of yourself as you seem. Unless you have no emotions at all."

He had hit the nail right on the head, and I was determined to be honest. Perhaps honesty would convince him…and perhaps help me convince myself.

"Of course it is," I conceded. "Right now it's so bad that I can barely control my voice. Of course, it's even worse when she's away from me, with you, and I can't see her."

"Do you think about it all the time?" He asked. "Does it make it hard to concentrate when she's not with you?"

I could see through his questions that he was trying to compare himself to me, to see if his feelings measured up to mine…or exceeded them. I would not give him that satisfaction, knowing full well that I truly love Bella more than he could possibly imagine.

"Yes and no," I answered truthfully. "My mind doesn't work quite the same as yours. I can think of man more things at one time. Of course, that means that I'm _always_ able to think of you, always able to wonder if that's where her mind is, when she's quiet and thoughtful." The last part of my confession pained me, and I could not hide it in my voice.

_Does she think of me a lot?_

"Yes, I would guess that she thinks about you often," I admitted. "More often that I like. She worries that you're unhappy. Not that you don't know that. Not that you don't _use_ that." I did not try to hide the ice in my tone, hoping he could see how much I disapproved of his manipulative actions when it came to pulling Bella away from me.

"I have to use whatever I can. I'm not working with your advantages—advantages like her knowing she's in love with you," he replied petulantly.

"That helps," I agreed evenly.

"She's in love with me, too, you know," he said defensively. I tensed, knowing that only one person in the tent could absolutely refute his statement, and she lay unresponsive. I knew she wasn't asleep, though. I could hear her heart rate speed up slightly every time one of us made a significant comment. I hated that I could not refute him, however. It shook me to the core of my existence. Jacob sighed.

"But she _doesn't_ know it," he said, whining slightly.

"I can't tell you if you're right," I said.

"Does that bother you? Do you wish you could see what she's thinking, too?" he asked.

"Yes…and no, again. She likes it better this way, and, though it sometimes drives me insane, I'd rather she was happy." It was true, though I did not reveal the extent. I always wanted to know what she was thinking, constantly having to resort to full out begging to get her to express herself more fully. Ever since I had returned to Forks, it had been even worse—ever since I began to doubt that she may not want to be with me anymore, that she could be happier with someone else. It was a notion that I had toyed with ever since I met her, but she had always vehemently protested whenever Mike Newton or any other boy's name came up. With Jacob, however…it was different. And I loathed it.

Another sharp gust of wind rocked the little tent, and I saw Jacob instinctively pull Bella closer against him, shielding her from the drop in temperature. I no longer had to worry whether she would survive the night. Jake was preventing hypothermia, even if it was giving me chills.

"Thank you," I said earnestly. "Odd as this might sound, I suppose I'm glad you're here, Jacob."

"You mean, 'as much as I'd love to kill you, I'm glad she's warm,' right?"

Once again, he hit the nail on the head. "It's an uncomfortable truce, isn't it?"

"I knew you were just as crazy jealous as I am."

"I'm not such a fool as to wear it on my sleeve like you do. It doesn't help your case, you know."

"You have more patience than I do," he protested.

"I should," I said, hoping I sounded wise. "I've had a hundred years to gain it. A hundred years of waiting for _her_." Now we were starting to get more personal. Now would be the time when I would make my stand. I would be as honest and civil as possible, in hopes that he got the point quickly. He did not seem like one to give up without a fight, and I needed him to know that I would not, either.

"So…at what point did you decide to play the very patient good guy?" he asked disdainfully.

"When I saw how much it was hurting her to make her choose. It's not usually this difficult to control. I can smother the…less civilized feelings I may have for you fairly easily most of the time. Sometimes I think she sees through me, but I can't be sure"

"I think you were just worried that if you really forced her to choose, she might not choose you."

I hated that, to a degree, he was correct. I was sure that Bella loved me, sure that she was happy to be with me again. But I could never be sure if she wondered what it could have been like with Jacob, had he had more time to spend alone with her. I knew that, had I not come back, she may have moved on. Unfortunately, that had been my original plan for her when I left, because I did not plan on coming back. But I did come back, and I selfishly wanted her all to myself once more.

"That was part of it," I noted aloud, hesitantly. "But only a small part. We all have our moments of doubt. Mostly I was worried that she'd hurt herself trying to sneak away to see you. After I'd accepted that she was more or less safe with you—as safe as Bella ever is—it seemed best to stop driving her to extremes."

Part of me hoped that she was listening. It was my way of hoping that she, too, could be convinced of the depth of my love for her, my ultimate desire for her well-being above anything else.

"I'd tell her all of this, but she'd never believe me."

"I know," I said, smiling.

"You think you know everything," Jacob said, begrudgingly.

"I don't know the future," I retorted, unable to hide my uncertainty.

"What would you do if she changed her mind?"

I inhaled sharply. "I don't know that either."

"Would you try to kill me?" Jacob said, once again breaking the seriousness with his childlike impudence. He said it as if he thought that he could beat me if I tried.

"No," I said simply…and somewhat honestly.

"Why not?" he said, still insolent.

"Do you really think I would hurt her that way?" Does he never think of her first? Clearly not. I knew that I would be staying with her the next day, that I put her above anyone else in my life, even if it meant tearing myself away from my family. I had confidence in them, just as I had confidence in my love for Bella. Clearly, enrapt by her as he must be, Jacob Black was still too immature to know what it meant to share a remotely equal partnership.

"Yeah, you're right. I know that's right. But sometimes…"

"Sometimes it's an intriguing idea," I agreed. I was being honest.

"Exactly," Jacob said, laughing softly.

_I guess I could ask, seeing as I may have to deal with it sooner or later…_

"What is it like? Losing her?" Jacob's voice was no longer disrespectful, but rather filled with intangible sadness. "When you thought that you'd lost her forever? How did you…cope?"

My mind was suddenly flooded with thousands upon thousands of images. Bella's eyes, pleading with me not to leave her, the ripping of my insides when I thought I would never see her or kiss her again, the thirst in Jasper's face, the stitches on her arm that made me come to the hardest decision of my life…

"That's very difficult for me to talk about," I said slowly. He waited, still expecting my answer.

I then explained how I came to the decision to leave Bella in Forks for her own good. I explained that I wanted her to move on as if I never existed, so that I could never put her in danger again. I then went on to say that I could not stay away from her. That had I not gotten a phone call when I did, I would have come back anyway because my existence was completely meaningless without her. That my reason for staying with her rather than fighting was because I was still trying to make up for what my absence had done to her.

"And the other time—when you thought she was dead?" he pressed. I grimaced at the last word, taking a deep breath before I continued. I knew that answering that question was unfathomable, a line that I would never cross. No words could do the immense pain proper justice.

"Yes, it will probably feel like that to you, won't it?" I dodged. "The way you perceive us, you might not be able to see her as Bella anymore. But that's who she'll be."

"That's not what I asked," he interrupted.

"I can't tell you how it felt. There aren't words." I answered him swiftly and menacingly, not bothering to keep my voice even. I heard Bella's heart skip slightly, and I knew once again that she was awake—even if she herself did not know it.

"But you left because you didn't want to make her a bloodsucker. You _want_ her to be human."

He was trying to dissect my character, trying to understand my thoughts behind my decisions. I opted to explain as simply as I could. I explained my reasoning involving Bella's future with me as four different options: hope that she would get over me, stay with her throughout her human years then find a way to follow her after, leave her and force her to get over me, or giver her what she wanted…and make her my equal. I explained to him that the fourth option was ultimately her decision before it became mine, and that at this point, I had no other option.

"I like option one," Jacob muttered after I had finished my explanation.

I did not dignify his comment with a response. It was unnecessary.

"You know exactly how much I hate to accept this," he said slowly. "But I can see that you do love her…in your way. I can't argue with that anymore." He then went on to have the audacity to plead with me that I give him a year to change her mind. Oh, yes, definitely, young one. I'll gladly prolong changing Bella. Make her angry with me for going back on my word, watch her go running to you for comfort, and then just let you tear her away from me without so much as a protest. Of course, I'd be willing to do that. But then he changed his tactics.

"You love her enough that you have to see the advantages of that plan. She thinks you're very unselfish…are you really? Can you consider the idea that I might be better for her than you are?"

I could not go any longer without responding. I could sense the important part of the conversation was coming to a close, and I had to make my piece known before it was too late—for Bella's sake as much as Jacob's and my own.

"I have considered it. In some ways, you would be better suited for her than another human. Bella takes some looking after, and you're strong enough that you could protect her from herself, and from everything that conspires against her. You have done that already, and I'll owe you for that for as long as I live—forever—whichever comes first…I even asked Alice if she could see that—see if Bella would be better off with you. She couldn't of course. She can't see you, and then Bella's sure of her course, for now."

My throat clenched with emotion as I thought about how to express myself next. I knew that I had to say at least one more thing, but the words would not come easily. I could not lose her. I wouldn't lose her. But if she wanted me to go, if she loved him more, what choice would I have?

"But I'm not stupid enough to make the same mistake I made before, Jacob. I won't try to force her into that first option again. As long as she wants me, I'm here."

"And if she were to decide that she wanted me?" he responded, apparently oblivious to the force behind my monumental statement. "Okay, it's a long shot, I'll give you that."

"I would let her go."

"Just like that?" He made it clear that he did not believe me.

"In the sense that I'd never show her how hard it was for me, yes. But I would keep watch. You see, Jacob, _you_ might leave _her _someday. Like Sam and Emily, you wouldn't have a choice. I would always be waiting in the wings, hoping for that to happen."

The phenomenon of imprinting could prove to be my biggest ally, should that situation ever occur. I nearly shuddered at the thought, hoping that I would never have to wait for Bella. Jacob's mind was finally starting to quiet down, question-wise. I knew that the conversation was almost over.

""Well, you've been much more honest than I had any right to expect…Edward. Thanks for letting me in your head."

"As I said, I'm feeling oddly grateful for your presence in her life tonight. It was the least I could do…you know, Jacob, if it weren't for the fact that we're natural enemies and that you're also trying to steal away the reason for my existence, I might actually like you." I smiled, knowing that I was being brutally honest with him, keeping my promise to myself.

"Maybe…if you weren't a disgusting vampire who was planning to suck out the life of the girl I love…well, no, not even then." Jacob replied; apparently, I could always trust him to say the most inappropriate thing possible.

Suddenly, I remembered a question that I had for Jacob. It was my turn.

"Can I ask you something?" I broke the silence.

"Why would you have to ask?" he replied, surprised.

"I can only hear if you think of it," I explained. "It's just a story that Bella seemed reluctant to tell me about the other day. Something about a third wife…?"

"What about it?" he asked out loud, while quickly summarizing the story in his mind for me to hear. When I got to the part about the third wife, I sucked in a harsh breath. So that was her plan. I'd love to see her try…My Bella, always the self-sacrificing one.

Jacob demanded I explain why I reacted so badly, and I did so curtly. I noted that I wished his elders hadn't told her that story, and realized that it made for another good reason for me to stay with her the following day—she would try to get herself killed. Jacob interrupted, blaming Jasper for her ideas. I realized that I was wary of arguing with him—I knew that he would never keep his mouth shut, no matter what I said. Time to end this.

"Neither side meant any harm," I amended.

"And when does _this_ little truce end?" he asked. "First light? Or do we wait until after the fight?"

"First light," we both whispered simultaneously after a short moment. I couldn't help but laugh with him. It was a common tale, two men in love with one woman, a constant struggle.

"Sleep well, Jacob," I said. "Enjoy the moment." If I could help it, he would have to make this memory last in his mind for the rest of his life…because Bella was mine, and I did not intend to give her up.

_Enjoy the moment? With pleasure. I can very easily go back to these lovely pictures in my head, or what it would be like to be with Bella in bed, her heart racing and screaming out for me…_

Ugh. It was going to be a long night.

"I didn't mean that quite so literally," I berated him again.

"Sorry. You could leave, you know—give us a little privacy."

I felt my muscles tense again. The rational part of my brain knew that he was just goading me on, that he knew I would never leave. But I let the irrational, "male ego" part of my brain speak for once.

"Would you like me to _help_ you sleep, Jacob?" I sneered.

"You could try," he said flippantly, "It would be interesting to see who walked away, wouldn't it?"

"Don't tempt me too far, wolf," I said, still using that part of my brain. "My patience isn't _that _perfect."

"I'd rather not move just now," he said. "If you don't mind."

I shook my head and rolled my eyes. I knew that I had not won him over that night, but I felt oddly satisfied of the case I had made for myself. Wolves and vampires may never get along, it's true—but I had found a worthy opponent in Jacob Black. It did not matter whether I won him over, though. The choice was Bella's to make, and hers alone.

That meant that my only hope and concern was that I had won her over. Knowing full well that she had heard every word that we had spoken, I hummed her lullaby strongly. Partially to drown out Jacob's lewd stream of consciousness, but mostly so that, as she finally drifted off to sleep, I would be the last man she thought of.


	4. Chapter 4

So, it's been months, I know. But I started graduate school. I needed to adjust. Here's the New Moon scene I've been promising. So, the story is out of order (I'll probably rearrange the chapters in a few weeks to satisfy my history-major-chronological obsessed self). I have a few more ideas for some more chapters…hopefully they won't take months to write and post!

I don't own anything.

This was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever had to write, which is another reason it took me so long…

"_I'm kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made._

_And then I fell down yelling make it go away…_

_Just make a smile come back and shine, like it used to be…_

_And then she whispered 'How could you do this to me?' "_

_~"Hate Me", Blue October_

"I'd better get home," I said, standing up from the sofa and stretching a bit out of habit, always aware of the human façade. Charlie grunted a goodbye without taking his eyes from the television, and I heard Bella's knees crack as she stood up from her curled position on the floor. I could tell from her ever-resonating heartbeat that she was tense. She was upset about my behavior, though I could not tell if she was irritated or frightened by it. I prayed for the former—anything to make this painful process seem worth it.

I had been withdrawing from Bella ever since her birthday, preparing her (and myself) for the permanent separation looming on the close horizon. I could not endure another second of having the opportunity to look into her brown eyes and feel my resolve begin to crumble. I had to do this, I repeated to myself. It was for her. It was all for her. I needed to free her so that she could live. I could feel her behind me; hear her stuttering heart beat pounding in my ears. I forced myself to look forward until I reached my car door. Her deep eyes looked up into mine, unassuming and a bit hopeless.

"Will you stay?" she pleaded softly, though she said it like she already knew the answer. My resolve rippled once more, like a reflection in a still pool disturbed by rain. I lost sight of why I was inflicting pain on this beautiful creature in front of me.

"Not tonight," I replied. I could not say more, or she might hear my voice shake. I had to detach myself from her. I had to spare her human heart, her mortal and precious life. I climbed into my car and drove away, leaving her staring after me.

I did come back, though. I waited until I knew she would be asleep, and I crept into her window. It felt like an intrusion, and I recalled the last time I did this without her knowledge, over half a year ago. I had been invited in once I made the selfish decision to stay with her. Now I was forcing myself to be selfless. Give her up for her own good. I felt a tangible rip in my still heart as I watched her toss and turn fitfully. Bella knew. She had to know that something was coming. I could only hope that it would help her move on faster.

The next day at school I walked silently next to her, never actually looking into her eyes. I could not take much more of this. Knowing that I would hurt her, knowing that I would leave half of myself with her felt like it could kill me. As if I were as human as she. In English class, she seemed lost in her thoughts, her heart still pounding erratically.

"Bella, what do you think?" Mr. Berty asked. "How do you think Lady Capulet felt, watching her daughter fight for her right to refuse the arranged marriage with Paris?" Bella continued to stare into space, unaware that he had addressed her.

"Bella?"

I lightly touched her arm and got her attention. "She felt horrible, knowing that her daughter would be unhappy. But Lady Capulet still felt that the decision was for the best. For everyone." Bella snapped her head up and repeated my words to Mr. Berty before casting me a quick, thankful look. He nodded, surprised by her answer, and moved on.

I felt as though my head would explode at the double-entendre of the question and answer. For the best. It will be for the best. She will move on, survive and live the way she was meant to. Meet someone who could be with her the way she deserved.

I spent the rest of the day in silence, still avoiding her eyes. We sat at the lunch table and Bella awkwardly brought out her camera for the students to pass around. Rather than distract her like I thought it would, she continued to pick at her food, casting glances in my direction every so often. All I could do was stare into the blank space ahead and prepare myself for the eternity of misery that I knew I deserved. I walked her to her car and said a quick goodbye. I knew she had to work at Newton's, and I was thankful for the excuse to be away from her. While part of me wanted to spend every precious second I had left with her—willing her to know how much I loved her—I knew that this was necessary. As I watched her drive away from me, I shook my head in disgust at my actions.

I felt like such a high-schooler. The typical "treat her badly so she gets mad enough to break it off first" treatment felt so beneath me. But, I reminded myself, that is the place Bella is in right now. She is not over one hundred years old, she has not seen the fluctuation of relationships has I have. She is still a high schooler, and things like this happen to teenagers in high school. While my love for her would never change, never falter; hers could. I felt wretched from taking that decision away from her, but I knew that she would never make it herself. She loved me, with her whole heart, and I knew she would not let me go easily. I had to treat her this way so that she could let go. A clean break. Contrary to popular belief, ripping the band-aid off appeared to hurt more than slowly pulling it off, centimeter by centimeter. All these hours of distance would help her in the end. It would not be such a shocking blow.

I went back to her house that night. I had not contacted her all afternoon, and when I went to her window, I was shocked to see her light still on. With another stab of guilt, I realized that she was waiting up for me. I perched in a tree branch outside her window and watched her idly pass her time for nearly an hour. She was making a scrapbook with the pictures she had taken over the past week. I saw her pick up a photograph and suck in a sharp breath. I watched as her eyes glazed over with a painful, yet adoring look. Suddenly, her face looked dejected and I saw her shake her head sadly, folding the picture in half before placing it into the book. The angle of the album prevented me from seeing the photo, though I had a good idea what she was doing. This beautiful and unassuming angel would never see herself clearly.

When she finally finished the album and climbed into bed, I waited until she was asleep before silently climbing into her room. I inhaled deeply, knowing this would be the last time I would ever be in her bedroom. I took everything in slowly, listening to her listless breathing in the background. She stirred and kicked her sheets fitfully, stirring up her intoxicating scent. I exhaled shakily and walked to her bookshelf. The tattered classics that we both loved, the stack of CD's next to her tiny stereo…

Suddenly, I knew something must be done. I had to take back things that would remind her of me so that she could move on more easily. I needed to make her room as undisturbed as it had been the first night I ever crept through the window. She could not have any reminders of me in her daily life—it needed to be as if I never existed to make this easier for her. She has proven to be such a constant young woman, she would not let go of me if she could hear my music, see my face, or dwell on anything I had left in my wake of destruction upon her fragile life.

I silently popped the top of the stereo open, removing the CD of piano compositions and placing it back into its jewel case. I noticed the airplane tickets, still sitting in their box, on top of the bookshelf. I grabbed those, as well. I placed the confiscated items on her desk by the window, intending to take them with me when I could finally drag myself away from her. Suddenly, I noticed the scrapbook on the edge of her desk, underneath an envelope of reprints for her mother. I grabbed the scrapbook and began to flip through it.

I saw the faces of Bella's classmates, some snapshots of the forest outside, and then…then I saw the pictures of me. One in her kitchen, before the disastrous party. I looked carefree in the photo, smiling at Bella in amusement as she snapped it candidly. I saw a picture of the previous day, watching the television with Charlie. The marked change in my expression shocked even me. My eyes looked glassy, almost as dead as I felt on the inside. I was playing my "part" well, it seemed. My eyes flicked down to the folded photo. I looked stony in it as well…and that was all I could see. She had folded the picture in half and hidden herself from view, just as I suspected. I grimaced and shook my head, peeling the photo out and unfolding it. She was smiling, faintly and nervously. Her arms were locked securely around my waist, as if she thought I would disappear if she were not holding onto me. Even in her distress, she took my breath away. I wished that this gorgeous creature could be with me for eternity, that she was meant for me, but she could not and she was not. I did not deserve her, and I could not bear to put her in danger any longer. I took the three pictures and added them to the pile of memories collecting by the window.

I made my way to the rocking chair in the corner where I had watched her sleep so many nights over the past months. I stared at her as she squinted and grimaced in her sleep, shaking her head back and forth in the midst of her dreams.

"No…Edward, please…" she mumbled, and her arm reached out towards a me that existed in her mind. An image of me that did not exist, not as she saw it. She gave me too much credit, loved me too much, saw me as something that I could never be for her. While she did not see herself for the amazing and perfect being she was, I could not see myself as the amazing and perfect being she perceived me to be. I was far from it.

As the dawn broke, I crept to the window and gathered the things that I had given her only days before, along with the photographs. As I took one step onto the ledge, however, I had a sudden flash of selfishness. One more, for measure, I suppose. I wanted to leave a piece of me with her. Not to visually torment her—hidden from her, but so that a part of me would still be there, still be present in her perfect existence. I stepped over to a nearby creaky board in her floor, and placed the items beneath it. She would never think to look there, and I would never have to tell her. I watched her begin to stir from her fitful slumber, and leapt out the window before she opened her eyes. Today was the day.

The school day passed uneventfully. I wanted time to speed up and stop simultaneously. I could not begin to fathom the Herculean task that lay ahead of me, yet I wanted to free her from me as soon as I possibly could. The house had been emptied, my family was gone, and there was nothing left for me in Forks. Nothing but the sole reason for my existence. As I waited for Bella to exit her last class, my cell phone began to vibrate in my back pocket.

"What do you want, Alice?" I snapped. I knew she was still livid with me for my decision, but I could not bear to hear her laments any more. It may make me change my mind, and I knew I could not do that. I had no choice but to go against my selfish nature. To protect Bella.

_It's for the best. It's the best thing for her. It's the only way_, I chanted the words to myself again.

"Edward, you and I both know this is ridiculous. You cannot do this. You cannot take me away from my best friend; you cannot take us away from part of our family, Edward. You love her and she loves you. She's meant to be with you forever. For eternity. She wants to be with you. Neither of you deserve this." Her voice broke at the end.

"Alice, you cannot change my mind. I'll call you when I'm ready. I don't know when that will be. Like I told Esme and Carlisle, I'll check in." Now it was time for my voice to crack as I remembered my mother's heartbroken expression as I told her my plan. I shook my head to try to erase the memory. Like I could forget anything.

"Edward, please—" I snapped the phone shut. I could not handle this. I had to keep my composure today. I could not lose it, even for an instant. She would see right through it and demand the truth—and I could never deny her anything she demanded. She would know how much I ached for her, how much I loved her. And, hopefully, one day she would realize that I was doing this for her.

"Do you mind if I come over today?" I said brusquely as I walked her to her car after school.

"Of course not," she replied, looking up at me with surprise behind her eyes.

"Now?"

"Sure, I was just going to drop a letter for Renee in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there."

I reached across her and snatched the envelope from her passenger seat. I could already feel my resolve crumbling around me. I needed a few more minutes to shut my emotions down and pack them away.

"I'll do it, and I'll still beat you there." I smiled at her, straining to get my lips curved up. It almost caused me physical pain.

"Okay"

I drove to the nearest mailbox and made it to Bella's house a good five minutes before I heard her truck rumbling around the corner. I parked in Charlie's spot, knowing full well that I would not be here long. I could not drag this out any longer—though I deserved this torture, she did not. I knew I could not do this in a house full of her, full of memories, full of her scent, so I raced into the small kitchen and scratched Charlie a note in a perfect match of Bella's handwriting in case he came home early. I was back in my front seat before she pulled in.

I could see the resolve and trepidation in her eyes as she parked her car, noting my unconventional parking space. She knew that the next conversation we would have would be important. Life-changing. It would send us off one edge or the other. Her heart began to fly as she closed her door and I reached for her backpack.

I tossed her bag back into her car, having decided that the woods would be the best place.

"Come for a walk with me," I more or less demanded, reaching for her hand. I made my voice devoid of all emotion. Bricks began stacking around my heart with each step. The mortar packed between each brick was thicker and more solid than the skin surrounding my body. I walked us into the edge of the woods, just beyond her yard.

"Okay, let's talk," she conceded. She was trying to sound resolved and brave. She had an agenda as well, it seemed. I could put this off no longer.

I inhaled deeply, her scent lighting my throat on fire. Another layer of cement. Another brick.

"Bella, we're leaving," I stated bluntly. I saw a look of shock pass across her features, then consigned realization.

"Why now? Another year—" she began, but I cut her off. I had spent the past hours preparing a counterattack to any excuse she would be sure to give. I had to be rough, though I hated seeming cruel to her. But she had to see me for the monster I was.

"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless."

She looked at me, now extremely confused. This confused me for a moment, but I felt another layer of mortar and brick build around my heart and I removed the emotion from my eyes. I then saw a revelation in her eyes, and she looked as though she may be sick. I felt a stab through the cracks of my resolve.

"When you say 'we'…" she whispered weakly. I realized she had thought I meant she was coming with me. My God, I do not deserve this woman. She would follow me anywhere, even through all the danger I put her through. She still wanted me. This was going to be excruciating. I had to escalate my cruel tactics. I hated myself, despised myself even more for that. Another brick.

"I mean my family and myself," I said in a clipped, condescending tone.

She shook her head slowly, her eyes glazing over. She was silent for a few moments, digesting my words.

"Okay. I'll come with you," she insisted.

"You can't, Bella. Where we're going…it's not the right place for you." Brick.

"Where you are is the right place for me," she argued.

"I'm no good for you, Bella." The words cut through me, because I knew their inevitable and incontrovertible truth. As much as I wanted to be with her, as much as I loved her, I couldn't keep her in danger.

"Don't be ridiculous. You're the very best part of my life." Though she tried to sound angry and determined, I could hear the tiniest bit of desperation leak into her words. Disgusted with myself, I kept going.

"My world is not for you."

"What happened with Jasper—That was nothing, Edward! Nothing!" No, Bella. It was everything. If one of my own family members could do that…it was only a matter of time. We could no longer escape the monsters we were meant to be—myself especially.

"You're right. It was exactly what was to be expected."

"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay…" Another expected comeback. Another brick.

"…as long as that was best for you," I completed her sentence. I pictured her in the hospital, broken within an inch of her life. Broken by my presence. Clearly, I was no longer best for her.

"_NO_! This is about my soul, isn't it?" She sounded like a kitten trying to be a tiger, an endearing quality that made me crumble again. "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you—it's yours already!"

She was willing to give me everything she had. Her spotless soul, destined for a Heaven I knew I could never see…she was willing to give it to me. In essence, she believed she already had. The monster within me roared, torn between elation and utter despair. I pushed down the love I felt.

I knew that I was not going to get my message across without outright lying to her. I inhaled deeply and looked at the ground. I quickly finished the brick wall around my ice-cold heart and locked it away. The final blow was saved for the final round. She would not let go unless I told her the furthest thing from the truth.

I opened my mouth and told the biggest lie I had ever told in my existence.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." I willed myself to look into her trusting brown eyes and wait for her to digest it. I knew it was a futile thing to do; I knew that she would not believe me. I had told her thousands of times that I could not live without her, that I loved her more than my own existence. There was no way she would actually believe me, but perhaps it would crack her determination enough to irritate her into walking away.

"You…don't…want me?" She said the words slowly, as if they made no sense to her. Just as I predicted. She knew I was lying. She knew how much I loved her. I glared at her.

"No."

And then I saw her eyes completely glaze over. It was as if I was dazzling her, though I could not understand why. Every few moments, her eyes would come back into focus, only to fade out again. The urge to read her mind stabbed like a pickaxe against the brick wall.

"Well, that changes things."

Her eyes went completely dead, just as I had willed my own to die.

She believed me. She truly believed the lie I had just told her. That one word had broken her faith in me entirely. The pain was too much to bear. How could she? How could I bear this?

I looked away into the trees, unable to keep the emotion from my face. This was torture of the blackest kind. I could feel my body shaking, and my next words came out in a torrent- lie upon lie upon lie.

"Of course, I'll always love you… in a way."_ In a way that consumes me, thrills me, makes me want to be better, a way that makes me feel alive…_

" But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change." _I want to be with you but I can't. I want you so badly it eats me up inside. _

" Because I'm…_tired_ of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella."_ I wish I could be. I'm tired of lying to you, I'm tired of hurting you, I'm tired of not being human for you. Of not being able to kiss you with abandon, spend days in the sun with you, hold you close without breaking you. I'm tired of pretending because I can't be what you need. I can't…I would give my life if I could be human_…

I closed my eyes briefly, ensuring that my heart stayed put behind the brick wall it wanted to break free from already. I looked back up into her eyes, feeling the sheer frigidity of my body as if it were the first time.

"I am not human." I said that as much for her as I did for me. I had to remind myself of the monster I was. Her human ears could not hear the break in my voice, for which I was thankful.

"I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that." _Truly sorry. Bella…please, don't believe this. Please believe I don't want to do this._

"Don't. Don't do this." Her voice was a barely audible whisper, even to my vampire ears. She was giving up.

This is what I knew needed to happen. She had to move on. She had to believe I didn't love her or else she would never let go. She would never live her life.

I could not, would not, change my mind. My decision had been made. For her. All for her.

"You're not good for me, Bella." Another lie. The final nail in my proverbial coffin. Not good for me. Amazing for me. Existence.

Love, life, meaning…it was all over.

She opened her mouth and then closed it again, mulling over my words.

"If…that's what you want," she said softly. I nodded once, unable to speak.

I knew I could not leave her without knowing she would be safe. I had to make her promise to stay safe. This heartbreak would be pointless if she remained in danger after I left. While I had no right to keep the magnetized danger from her, it could not be inflicted by me, nor by herself. I had to make her promise.

"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much."

I felt my face twist into a grimace, knowing that she would do anything for me. She would do anything I asked of her. I felt as if I was taking advantage of her. But I had to make her promise. She had to go on. She had to live.

"Anything," she said, with conviction enough to break through the brick wall for a moment. I felt my face flood with emotion—I could not hold it back. I let my wall down and looked into her brown eyes. Her beautiful, chocolate brown, loving, trusting, and selfless eyes.

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid." I willed the force behind my words to absorb into her mind. "Do you understand what I'm saying?" I would hold her to this promise, because it would be the only way I could possibly survive after this moment.

She nodded slowly. The wall went back up. I could not afford to make a mistake now.

"I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself—for him." _For me. Selfish, monstrous me._

She nodded again, promising. "I will."

I felt my shoulders relax slightly, knowing that my time with my angel was coming to a close. She believed me. She was going to let me leave. But I had to make sure she knew that this was final. That I was sparing her for the rest of her human life. Freeing her to live the life she was meant to enjoy. The life that I could no longer share with her.

"And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed."

I could see her shaking. Obviously the impact of a teenage human's first "broken heart." While I hated feeling as though I was patronizing her ability to love me, I knew deep inside that a human's heart is a fickle thing. She would move on. She would find someone new. I allowed myself a small smile at this thought. She was going to be fine.

"Don't worry," I assured her. "You're human—your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."

"And your memories?" she questioned, choking up.

"Well—" I started, thrown for a moment. I had done enough lying for the rest of my time on earth."I won't forget. But _my_ kind…we're very easily distracted." _Don't you see, Bella? We are different species, completely different kinds. This could never be, no matter how much I wish it could._

I took a step back from her. My composure was faltering into nonexistence the longer I looked at her, the longer I breathed her in.

"That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."

"Alice isn't coming back," she mouthed, almost silently, in utter shock.

"No. they're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."

"Alice is gone?" Her face was completely blank with disbelief. She had not thought about this aspect, and once again, I hated myself for that. But it would make her hate me. I had to make her hate me for her own good. She had to see reason.

"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you." _I'm the bad guy, Bella. Not Alice, not even Jasper. It is all on me. Blame me. Hate me. For both our sakes, please hate me._

Her eyes went in and out of focus again, trying to comprehend the situation. I could stay no longer.

"Goodbye, Bella," I whispered, once again thankful that her human ears could not detect the quiver in my voice, the sob behind my words. I was almost surprised that those human ears could not hear my heart completely shatter behind its brick confines.

"Wait!" she sobbed, reaching out to me. I grabbed her wrists lightly and placed them by her sides.

"_Bring on the shackles, I am your prisoner…."_

The memory pierced through me like a knife as I brought my lips to her forehead. I inhaled her scent one last time. Freesias and strawberry shampoo. I would always be her prisoner. Always.

"Take care of yourself."

And then I was gone. Running. Running as fast as I could, away from the one safe haven I had been privileged enough to find in my century on earth.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: I hope that this is as much a joy to read as it was to write. I'll admit…I cried a bit. Don't worry, there should be more where this comes from.

"_At long last, love has arrived_

_And I thank God I'm alive…_

_You're just too good to be true,_

_Can't take my eyes off of you"_

"Oh, for the love of all that's holy!"

"What's wrong?" Bella questioned, her heartbeat quickening in slight alarm.

"You don't have to call my brothers," I explained. "Apparently Emmett and Jasper are not going to let me bow out tonight." I could hear both of them running at full speed toward the house, Emmett leaping over Bella's truck like a hurdle. I could also hear their amused thoughts as they prepared to kidnap me for my bachelor party.

_Eddie…you can't hide with her all night. You owe us one more night of male bonding before you latch on the old ball and chain!_

_Come on, Edward- it's time..._

Bella gave a little sigh before squeezing me closely for a moment and releasing me. "Have fun," she conceded. My body instantly began to miss the heat from hers, and for the thousandth time, I seriously considered telling my brothers to shove off and let me spend the night where I actually wanted to be—tradition be damned.

A high-pitched screech came from the windowpane as Emmett scratched his nails down the glass. I saw Bella wince and shiver slightly as the sound pierced the room.

"If you don't send Edward out, we're coming in after him!" Emmett hissed at us both. _You can run, but you can't hide…_

"Go!" Bella laughed, shoving me slightly. "_Before_ they break my house." I couldn't help but grin at her before I rolled my eyes and jumped up from the bed. I threw my shirt back on and couldn't resist giving her one more swift kiss on her forehead.

"Get to sleep," I whispered. " You've got a big day tomorrow."

"Thanks! That's sure to help me wind down," she grumbled, and I could hear her heart speed up considerably in anxiety. I had to physically restrain myself from shaking my head at her. I knew she wanted to marry me—she just had such a hard time handling attention. Silly girl.

"I'll meet you at the altar," I said, barely able to contain my excitement. If my heart could race with anticipation, it would be pulsing visibly from my chest.

"I'll be the one in white," she joked, feigning calm. As talented and beautiful as she may be, I once again noted to myself that Isabella Swan would never win any Academy Awards for her acting.

"Very convincing," I said aloud before I launched myself out of Bella's window. If I had to make it through a full day without seeing Bella, I wanted to make sure I could focus on the image of her at that moment, sitting up in her bed with her hair disheveled and her lips swollen from my kisses, for the full eighteen hours.

Jasper felt my desire as I flew toward the ground and he indicated as much to Emmett.

_Don't worry, Eddie, by this time tomorrow night, you'll finally be on your way to getting laid!_ Emmett thought, his mind flashing to indecent images of ways he had been with Rosalie on their many honeymoons. I took the split second of my flight to aim my landing right onto Emmett, nearly knocking him to the ground.

"Son of a bitch, that almost hurt!" he said aloud, rubbing his arm absently.

"You'd better not make him late," Bella said softly from her bedroom, sounding almost worried. Jasper sensed my sudden inflamed desire to scale back up the wall and ditch them—so he shoved me back slightly and scaled the wall himself to reassure my fiancée.

"Don't worry, Bella. We'll get him home in plenty of time." Jasper sent a wave of calm towards Bella, and I heard her heart slow a bit as she relaxed. He sent some towards me as well, and then began to shift some excitement my way for the "bachelor party" we were about to enjoy.

However much I longed to be with Bella, and however much I enjoyed spending time with my brothers, there was nothing compared to the sheer joy and anticipation I felt in regards to the next 24 hours. By this time tomorrow, Bella Swan would be Bella Cullen—my wife. To say I felt exultant would be the understatement of the millennium.

"Jasper? What do vampires do for bachelor parties? You're not taking him to a strip club, are you?" I scoffed. As if any other woman would hold a candle to—

"Don't tell her anything!" Emmett all but growled, interrupting my train of thought. I used his distraction to push him down to the ground. He looked up at me in shocked irritation. I couldn't help it, I laughed. Nothing, nothing at all, could bring my mood down.

I heard Jasper explain our plans to Bella in reassurance, and she thanked him sincerely before he dropped back down to the ground.

"Ready, little brother?" Emmett grinned. "It's time for us to school you." He lunged for me, but I read it in his thoughts before he moved and jumped deftly out of the way. He smirked and took off running, with Jasper and I on his heels.

~*~

By the next morning, my thirst was sated and I had thoroughly enjoyed the distraction of my brothers' light banter and innuendos about finally joining what they so respectably referred to as "the club." However, the deeper that conversation went, the more nervous I became—as I did when anything had to possibility of jeopardizing Bella's safety. However, she was planning on marrying me and had offered up her very life to me—the very least I could do was comply with the one thing she asked me for in return.

It was midday before we came running back up to the house, and the scent of beautiful flowers wafted out into the expansive backyard. The freesias that I had requested Alice include in the arrangements mingled with Bella's own freesia scent—she was upstairs with my sisters, no doubt enduring their finicky beautifying techniques with a gracious (albeit gritted) smile.

Five more hours. As a vampire, time had come to mean precious little to me…but I knew that the next five hours were going to be excruciating.

As if she sensed my predicament, Esme came flying out of the back door in a whirlwind.

"Need something to do, Edward?" I smiled at her gratefully.

"Well, we need some more chairs set up out here—be sure to leave enough space between them for walking. And could you be a dear and make sure the ribbons on those trees over there are straight? Then, when you're done with that, you could set up the music if you'd like. Also, the piano probably needs to be tuned…" she trailed off, a smile playing on her lips.

"Yes, mother," I agree, rolling my eyes playfully. She grinned at me, crinkling her nose up in excitement.

"Oh, Edward…I'm just so happy for you, sweetheart." Her amber eyes showed the depth of her emotion, and her thoughts echoed her words with such pure joy that I felt a surge of emotion cause the back of my eyes to prick as if they could tear.

"Thanks, mom," I whispered, before pulling her into a tight hug.

"Well, now, you just get to work and make sure you're upstairs getting ready by about 4:30. The guests are due to start arriving by 5 or so."

"Mhmm," I agreed, willing myself to set the chairs out at a human pace.

After I finished checking off Esme's to-do list, it was nearly 4. I headed up the stairs, willing myself to speed past the bathroom where my sisters were holding my fiancée captive. To ensure that I could not see what she looked like, Rosalie was picturing herself in her head as if she was looking in a mirror. Alice was less transparent and chose to visualize the sheet music from Wagner's traditional wedding march while noting what kind of embellishments she knew would work best—intent on sharing these thoughts with Rosalie. She paused for one second, however, for my benefit.

_She's going to be stunning, Edward. Absolutely stunning._

"Always is, Alice," I muttered as I forced myself past the door.

_Ugh, you know what I mean, Edward. Give it a rest. Go get ready. Your tux is on your bed and your tie is hanging from the back detailing that you so lovingly destroyed._

"I want it intricate," I heard her say aloud to Rosalie. "The veil goes here…"

I jumped out of her head, not wanting to ruin the anticipation that was building pleasantly within me—I almost felt warm because of it.

I heard Carlisle's thoughts from behind the door before I even reached my room. When I entered, I found him leaning against one of the many shelves of CD's, a huge smile on his face.

"Well, son? How are you feeling?"

"Impatient," I admitted, stepping to the bed and grabbing my tux. He started, and then turned to give me a split second of privacy as I changed.

When he turned, he had my tie in his hand.

"May I?" he asked formally.

"Carlisle, I'm perfectly capab-" I started to say, but he was already shaking his head.

"Come now, Edward. Give me just one fatherly opportunity today."

I rolled my eyes, smiling, and nodded. He grinned, stepping forward and looping the tie around my neck.

"So, Carlisle, any fatherly advice for the day?" I asked as he expertly knotted my tie at a human pace.

He pulled the tie straight, adjusted it, and stepped back to admire his work before looking in my eyes.

Just like Esme, his thoughts spoke volumes about the breadth of his emotion. The joy that filled the house was inescapable today.

"Well, Edward. I could repeat my speech about safety on the honeymoon, but I don't think that's necessary. Or, I could regale you with memories of how I felt just before I married Esme…though you were present for that. I could also repeat verbatim the speech you gave me just before I headed down the aisle…though it was rather devoid of romantic sentiment, I must admit."

I chuckled softly, recalling the day that Carlisle first took Esme as his wife. Out of the three couples our family constituted, Esme and Carlisle were the only ones who chose to marry just once. For the human charade, it was because it was assumed they were already married. They also held firm to the belief that they only needed to say their vows once—because they lived them sincerely every day of eternity. While none of us believed that the repeated weddings of my siblings cheapened their original vows (Alice couldn't resist updating her wedding gowns with changing fashions, and Rosalie was, well, Rosalie), I knew that this would be mine and Bella's only public wedding ceremony. For one, I would be hard-pressed to convince her to ever go through such a public display of attention again…and a selfish part of me wanted to remember a blushing bride.

Carlisle had not been nervous in the least on his wedding day—just as I felt no anxiety, either. I had watched him get ready at lightning speed, while Esme changed into a simple dress down the hall. They chose to get married on the beach as the moon rose, with a few small torches to light the ceremony. As we had chosen to stay below the human radar, the ceremony was brief—the only witnesses were myself and the officiate. He asked me if I had any words of wisdom and I had smiled tightly, unable to relate any. I remembered telling him that I hoped he and Esme shared all the joy in the world, and that I was very happy for them. It wasn't until their honeymoon that I ran off for a few years, allowing them time alone together while I scoured the Earth as a nomad, ultimately rebelling against Carlisle's vegetarian ideals. I did not deserve their kindness upon my return.

Carlisle shook me out of my thoughts by gently placing his hands on both of my shoulders.

"Son, I don't have any advice to give you other than to….cherish this day, this moment. Our kind experience change very rarely, and when we do—it changes us forever. The changes that I have seen in you…the growth, the maturity, the unending capacity for compassion and love…all in just over a year…I cannot express to you how much I have enjoyed watching you these past months. Though it was hard being separated from you for that short time-"

I broke his gaze then, shame coursing through my veins. He squeezed my shoulders again.

"Son, look at me." I did as he asked, though unwillingly. I hated remembering the pain I put my family through. Not to mention the pain I put Bella through.

"Don't think about that, Edward. You…you grew as a result of that time, too. As horrible as it was—I think feeling what it would be like to lose her serves as the cornerstone of your relationship. And I think that you realize it, too. Her blood no longer tempts you as it used to. I have watched you become a man in your time with her, and I have watched you become a greater man than I could ever hope to be."

His eyes filled with emotion, and I almost had to look away from them—I felt undeserving of his praise.

"I'm so proud of you, Edward."

I pulled him into a vice-like hug.

"Thanks, Dad," I muttered into his shoulder. "I love you."

He pulled back and looked me in the eye again. "I love you, too."

_Edward, it's almost time—you and Carlisle get downstairs!_ Alice's thoughts wafted towards me as I heard Renee rush up the stairs and squeal. It would be so much easier in a few moments, when I could stop putting forth so much effort not to see Bella in anyone's thoughts.

Carlisle coughed, in a very human way, to break the scene of emotion as I repeated Alice's intentions. Emmett and Jasper came banging through the door then, and sandwiched me in a hug and left the room in a flash to take their seats next to Esme.

"Ready?" Carlisle asked, his eyes widening and a cheesy grin flashing across his face.

"Absolutely."

We made our way down the stairs at an excruciatingly slow pace, and I took the moment to fully admire my sister's handiwork. The flowers, the satin, the canopy…it was perfect, all of it. I allowed the thoughts to permeate my brain; the well-wishes and love were almost tangible.

Even Rosalie's thoughts were cheerful as she continued to play gracefully at the piano. I shared a smile with Mr. Weber as Carlisle and I took our place underneath the garland canopy at the altar.

I looked down the aisle and towards the curve of the grand staircase in my family's foyer just as Alice came into view. Her grin was reflected in the glow of the candlelight as she practically danced down the last few stairs.

_Here comes the bride, Edward…try not to drool on your tuxedo, please._

She winked at me and took her place to my right, leaving just enough room for my bride to join me. I glanced back up to the staircase and inhaled an unnecessary breath as Rosalie shifted into a loud and exultant fanfare to signal Bella's entrance.

"Don't let me fall, Dad," her beautiful voice whispered from the top of the stairs, and I shared another quick smile with Carlisle and Alice—though none of the humans present could have possibly heard her. My precious Bella was about to become mine for eternity, and she was still worried about falling down the stairs. By God, how I love her.

I concentrated on the stairs, watching Charlie guide her and hold her steady. I could not get a full view of her while the staircase curved, as Charlie was situated at her right arm, blocking her from my sight. His thoughts were a jumble of joy and paternal sadness at letting go of his daughter, but his emotions were generally happy with her choice—he knew that this is what she really wanted.

I took that second, as I watched Bella descend the last step with her father, before she turned to face me, to tune out every thought in the room completely. I wanted to be completely focused on my bride as she walked down the aisle and into my arms—when we would never be separated again. Charlie guided her and she turned, her eyes slowly looking up from the floor.

The deep breath I had inhaled came out in a short, rushing sigh. She, quite literally, took my breath away.

Her eyes glanced quickly around the room, taking in the vast beauty of the decorations as I had. Suddenly, her cheeks blushed crimson as she registered the crowd watching her entrance. It was the four thousandth, nine hundred and seventy second time I had seen her blush. I would miss it, but I knew that this, out of all the others, would be the one blush I would never, ever forget.

I swallowed convulsively as she finally, finally caught my gaze. In that instant, I saw her chocolate brown eyes light up, and I knew that all of her fears had dissolved. Her heart began to race—not out of anxiety as it had when she walked down the stairs, but out of love, hope, and impatience. She ached for me as I ached for her.

I felt my face break into a smile that was so big it almost hurt. Her brown hair was piled up elegantly around her delicate veil, and I saw the beautiful intricacy of the lace that surrounded the bodice of her timeless, pure white wedding gown. It hugged her delicate form, flaring slightly at the bottom and trailing behind her. Her veil had a traditional blusher, covering her face in a sheer layer of toile lined in tiny gemstones. Her bouquet matched the flowers in the room, and there was a collective gasp as the rest of the guests finally got the full glimpse of her that I was first privy to.

If my heart had not stopped beating over ninety years before, it would have stopped at this moment. I had never beheld a more beautiful creature in all of my existence.

She staggered down the aisle, barely able to keep time with the music, in an effort to reach me faster. As much as my fingers ached for her, I wanted the moment to last as long as possible. As she finally reached my side, I extended my left hand to her. Charlie's eyes crinkled as he smiled at me, placing his daughter's hand in my own.

_Take care of her, Edward. She's my baby._

His eyes expressed his thoughts, because he was unaware that I could hear them. I nodded my understanding to him, unwilling to take my eyes away from Bella's any longer than absolutely necessary. I curved my stone fingers around her warm, soft hand and we turned together to face Mr. Weber.

"Dearly beloved," Mr. Weber began, smiling down at Bella and I before glancing at the audience. "We are gathered here today to celebrate the pure love and devotion that Edward and Bella share. They have voiced their desire to make a public and permanent covenant, to God and to each other, to cherish each other for the rest of their lives."

I saw Bella's eyes fill with tears as she smiled at the sentiment. I squeezed her hand gently and tucked her right arm in the crook of my left. She glanced at me, her brown eyes threatening to spill the tears she was holding back. Her smile blinded me, and she winked, allowing a tear to spill over before we simultaneously looked back to Mr. Weber. After a few more words of introduction, he asked us to face each other and prepare to exchange our rings and our vows.

Bella broke my gaze and turned to Alice to switch her bouquet for my ring. I turned to Carlisle, who handed me Bella's delicate wedding band.

"Now, Edward, take Bella's left hand and place this ring on her finger, and repeat after me." I smiled as I met Bella's gaze once more, and did as I was told.

"With this ring," I repeated, "as a symbol of my unending love for you, I thee wed." I slid the tiny ring fully onto her finger, and then lifted her hand to my mouth, brushing my lips across her knuckles.

"Now, Bella, take Edward's left hand and place this ring on his finger, and repeat after me." Bella drew a shaky breath and squared her shoulders as her warm hand found mine. She smiled at me through her tears, placing the band at the tip of my finger.

"With this ring," she whispered, "as a symbol of my unending love for you, I thee wed." She slid the ring onto my finger and squeezed my hand, a few more tears spilling over her eyes. She was glorious to behold. And I got to keep her for eternity. She chose me. She said yes to me. The countless insecurities I had at the beginning of our relationship, all those months ago in that fluorescent-lit biology classroom, completely dissolved. She had said yes to me. And I would never want for anything again.

"Isabella Marie Swan," Mr. Weber asked, "do you take Edward Anthony Cullen to be your lawfully wedded husband? To have and to hold from this day forward, to love and to cherish, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live?"

She blinked the tears out of her eyes, and they streamed down her face as she whispered very clearly.

"I do."

"And do you, Edward Anthony Cullen, take Isabella Marie Swan to be your lawfully wedded wife? To have and to hold from this day forward, to love and to cherish, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live?"

I wanted to shout my vow from the rooftops, grab Bella by the waist and swing her around until we were both breathless, and run thousands of laps around my house and guests in triumph. However, I kept my joy in respectable check as I loudly and clearly vowed my eternal love for Bella.

"I do."

Bella gazed at me exuberantly through her tears, her shoulders hunched upwards and her mouth opened in a playful grin in a way that clearly stood for a loud shout of excitement. She squeezed both of my hands and I had to keep myself in check—I had to wait until Mr. Weber told me I could kiss her. She turned and grabbed her bouquet from Alice once more, prepared to be presented as Mrs. Bella Cullen.

"By the powers vested in me in the state of Washington, and in the presence of these witnesses, I now pronounce you husband and wife." We glanced at him and then back at each other joyfully.

"Edward? You may kiss your bride!"

As eager as I was, I wanted to cherish this moment for the rest of my existence. I dropped Bella's hands and took her face in my own, smoothing my thumbs gently across the streaks of tears on her cheeks. I cradled her face in such a way that I knew she could feel how preciously I held her in my heart, and I could feel the almost-painful pricks of the vampire equivalent of tears behind my eyes for the second time in a few short hours.

I inched slowly towards her smiling face, and her eyes reflected the joy that I felt as the distance between us was finally closed. She stretched up to the tips of her toes and threw both arms around my neck, her lips victorious against my own.

I knew that one day soon, her human memories would become filmy. I wanted to ensure that this kiss, our first as husband and wife, remained seared into her memory for the rest of eternity. I filled the kiss with as much love, passion, tenderness, adoration, and devotion as I was capable.

As I allowed the thoughts of the guests begin to filter through my head once more, I heard my Emmett's internal guffaw.

_Geez, kids, get a room already…!_

I smiled against Bella's lips, and used my hands to pull back from her face and look once more into her eyes. She clung to me, unwilling to stop kissing me, though she was so averse to public displays of attention. I smirked at her, but even then I could not hide my pure, unadulterated joy. And then we turned, to face the world as Mr. and Mrs. Cullen.

Our families rushed to greet us, and Renee quickly found Bella's waist and pulled her into a tight hug. Jasper clapped his hand against my shoulder, and Seth Clearwater's heated hand squeezed my arm in congratulations. All the while, I never let go of my wife's left hand—and I squeezed it gently, rubbing my thumb across the tiny band that bound her to me for eternity.

As the sun set behind the trees, Bella and I walked into the backyard, where the reception party began seamlessly. We shook countless hands, received many hugs, and shared small conversations amongst the guests. Even Billy Black seemed relatively pleased, though he seemed to be guarding his thoughts from me. It did not matter to me what he was thinking—I knew that Bella appreciated his presence, even though his son would not grant her the same gift.

After a pleasant exchange with Angela and Ben, I forced myself to smile in appreciation at Jessica's shallow congratulations and Mike's overly-appreciative gaze.

Next up was the Denali clan, whom I had not seen in several months. I felt Bella's hand tense in mine, and I knew that she was nervous about meeting what she insanely considered her "competition."

Tanya immediately reached for me, as her sister and the others gazed at Bella in greeting. Tanya's thoughts breached my guards, and she whispered into my ear.

"Ah, Edward, I've missed you."

I laughed at her softly, and twisted myself from her embrace. I placed a friendly hand on her shoulder in an effort to distance myself. Though she would never admit it openly, I knew that she was jealous.

"It's been too long, Tanya. You look well."

She smiled softly, seeming a bit more resigned. "So do you." _You're glowing, Edward. It's…wonderful to see you so content. I'm glad I made sure you came back here all those months ago. Aren't you going to—_

I intercepted her thoughts.

"Let me introduce you to my wife."

I smiled for what seemed like the millionth time, happier than I had been in my century of existence. As Bella and I ended the conversation with the Denalis, I led her over to the cake. All the traditional ceremonies took place. I smirked as Bella watched me eat the piece of cake she delicately placed in my mouth with wide-eyed wonder.

"_If someone dared you to eat dirt, you could, couldn't you?" _The memory filled my heart with nostalgia and a fresh wave of happiness came over me.

She threw her bouquet into Angela's arms, and I knew that it would shock her if I removed her garter in a relatively risqué manner. As she sat in the chair, pulling the hem of her dress up a few inches, I knelt to one knee and took her small ankle in my cold hand. She jumped a little at the temperature, then smiled as I slowly found the garter with my hand as she blushed.

Then I winked at her and watched her eyes grow wide once more as I deftly ducked below her dress and found myself faced with the lacey garter on her knee. I could not resist placing a soft kiss on her shin as I ever-so-carefully guided the scrap of fabric down her leg with my teeth. I could hear my brother's loud laughter as I emerged, and I saw Bella's deep blush. _Four thousand, nine hundred and seventy three._

I smirked and winked at her once more before flicking the garter right into Mike Newton's face.

And then, I took my chance to pull Bella onto the dance floor. As I took her in my arms, I heard the soft notes of the music fill the air and once again tuned out the thoughts that filled the room. There was only my Bella, twirling with surprising grace under the soft candlelight. Of all the human moments I had given her thus far, I knew that this would be the one that I would remember for eternity.


End file.
